benblog

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UPDATE: 01-14-06

AHDVNHAY says: (6:02:29 AM)
I saw a guy walking two dogs without leashes on my street the other day. He was wearing a pair of handcuffs suspended from his belt. Very odd. Out of place.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:03:02 AM)
I think my neighbor is selling crack, and I'm SURE the house next door to where the deputy sherrif lives down the street is a haven of teenage pot smoking.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:03:23 AM)
people are increasingly strange in my immediate surrounding environment.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:03:33 AM)
WB

The Summer of Bek says: (6:03:57 AM)
thanks and weird..

AHDVNHAY says: (6:04:02 AM)
lol

The Summer of Bek says: (6:04:27 AM)
when I lived in drummoyne last year I was at the shops and this bum was wearing diving goggles.

The Summer of Bek says: (6:04:34 AM)
in the inner city, mind you

AHDVNHAY says: (6:04:49 AM)
the eye kind or the headgear?

The Summer of Bek says: (6:05:16 AM)
the over-the-eyes-and-nose kind with the thick rubber strap

AHDVNHAY says: (6:05:29 AM)
Fucked Up.

The Summer of Bek says: (6:05:37 AM)
funnily enough he didn't have a snorkle

AHDVNHAY says: (6:05:47 AM)
motherfucker's living in a concrete aquarium.

The Summer of Bek says: (6:05:53 AM)
AHAHAHA

The Summer of Bek says: (6:06:08 AM)
I have no idea where he thought he was, it was pretty funny though

The Summer of Bek says: (6:06:11 AM)
OMG

The Summer of Bek says: (6:07:05 AM)
and yesterday in teh city on my way to work, I saw this huge fat guy with those short dread afro locks that crackheads have, but he wasn't all over fat, he definitely was only around the middle fat. And I mean huge. He was with a guy who had half an arm.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:07:20 AM)
WHOA.

The Summer of Bek says: (6:07:20 AM)
Then on the way home, there they were again, walking in the opposite direction.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:07:32 AM)
motherfuckin ...

AHDVNHAY says: (6:07:34 AM)
yeah.

The Summer of Bek says: (6:07:38 AM)
freaks.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:07:50 AM)
you know what I call it when I see something odd, something out of place?

The Summer of Bek says: (6:07:54 AM)
I was wearing dark sunglasses so I got a good look

The Summer of Bek says: (6:07:58 AM)
what?

AHDVNHAY says: (6:07:59 AM)
hehe

AHDVNHAY says: (6:08:05 AM)
"manifestation."

AHDVNHAY says: (6:08:35 AM)
I think it's a two-way street. It crosses through the karma in our aura from within and without, and sometimes, it comes from within our dreams.

The Summer of Bek says: (6:08:59 AM)
I'm not entirely sure I get what you mean

AHDVNHAY says: (6:09:05 AM)
hmm.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:09:27 AM)
well, let's say I'm sitting on my front porch, and I see a meter reader man walk by.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:09:47 AM)
let's say he is "shaped" like a meter reader guy

AHDVNHAY says: (6:10:00 AM)
walkie-talkie, labeled shirt, etc.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:10:12 AM)
but why should I believe he is there to read meters?

AHDVNHAY says: (6:10:23 AM)
he is not wearing the uniform of the city meter readers.

AHDVNHAY says: (6:10:29 AM)
so who else could he be?

AHDVNHAY says: (6:10:41 AM)
I think some people only exist as hallucinations.

Salutations.

I am that which is.

I have seen things from reverse, I've come around again now and I've been somewhere else entirely but I could never describe to you how. Here are some things I brought back with me from the trip...

Sorry to make you have to sit through a boring old slide show... but.. well. Here we go.

Here's the dream vacation giveaway MULTIPASS.

Here's an ad for a trip we didn't attend. (Although I hear it's good stuff)

Here are a couple good ole boys, always up to no good.

And here is a picture of me and your mother.

And here is the card I sent you, did you receive it, BTW?

I don't have much else to say right now, and I desperately do not wish to waste anyone's time.

So, in conclusion, Capitalism is neo-Catholicism, and is the last signpost before the blissfull desert that awaits us all.

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UPDATE: 01-25-06

I think I have achieved the trance state of Ananda.

I swim like a happy fish through the waters of blissfull, ambivalent oblivion of ego.

I see my friends playing music on stage and it seems like they are on some far distant beach, off over the horizon, behind some mountains' jagged peaks. They are above the waters that I am swimming through, presumably to get to them... They live amongst a universe of galaxies already, a transcendent realm supernal to mundanity which I only ocassionally glimpse. Coming up for air, so to speak.

In those moments I see my enemy quite clearly. It is always nothing more than the force of time... the cause of change, which we perceive by aging. I believe, and always have believed, that the centred self, the Higher Will, if you will, is the point of Hadit, unwavering never moving singularity, shorter than event, compressed core of all the eternity expanding directions. This assumption means that I have also long beleived we perceieve ourself only through interaction with exterior motive forces, or rather, geometrical metaforms from the fourth and higher dimensions, that pass through us, such as time, causing changes to our chemical emotions and our electrical thoughts. Time is the air breathed by the soul, yet it is still more liquid and amphibious than the spirit. From the point of view of the mind's eye elevated into the rarified, aethyreal light that guides the True Will, time is an ocean upon which the past and future are simply the tides, and all of us, each little aura and everyone's little philosophical world views, are just the foam at the crest of the wave.

Do I still want to go back? For quite some time I believed such a choice would be simple: to travel through time, from now into the past, and to reappear in some past blunder with all the foreknowledge necessary to accomplish redemption from its shame and stigmata, to suddenly overflow the naive innocence of youth with the learning experiences of all the subsequent years, which themselves would then blink obliviously into oblivion. To ride the tide of the blood of the universe, time. Pulse through the veins of gravity interconnecting invisibly between the axon-dendrite gaps of spiral galaxies, blackholes hypercathecting the ego of God.

But now I understand... or rather, RIGHT NOW (as though anything else would be possible or even exists!)... right now I understand that we are all already there... that is that, ESP is Santa Claus... that is, perhaps a little more profoundly, that YHVH is within Shekina through each of us... the universe is breathing itself in and out inside us.

There is much wonder in the wind. There is glory in each severed shred of grass. The morphogenetic field remains aglow with the molecular pattern for the reconstitution of the photosynthetic DNA. Even neurogenesis is now known to occur when only ten years ago it was believed impossible.

I know now that what I have done... the karma I have accumulated that is negatively charged against time-in-itself... has propelled my aura around like a red marble amidst a hundred white ones on a vibrating metal plate. My mind has wandered around across the entire surface area by now, but has found no single "right" or "wrong" applicable to the directions it's taken, nor even "left" and "right." Politically speaking I find I am simply against the entire structure of all civilisation itself. It's just not a "game" I want to "play."

The power struggles of the weak, the loathful grins, the splinter of freedom in the will of the slave, the hollow cities. I do not intend to impose control. Love is, basically, a transcendental number. And the True Will is that which elevates.

The body is basically like a cave in which the soul dwells. When the soul leaves this cave, it ceases to be the soul, and becomes the free spirit. The soul, being only immortal, can and does age. There are always new souls, but the original souls do not die. They multiply, through intellectual offspring. Abraham, for example, the father of nations. His "descendents" whether in the flesh only, or his followers in pure ideal, by now transcend ALL "national" boundaries determined by terrestrial landmarks, the so-called "borders" that are of such importance as "security" for the covens of lying "nationalists" in name only. Now this is like the spirit... the spirit is the soul OVER TIME. As the immortal, undying soul multiplies its electromagnetic patterns throughout the populations of the flesh, it frees itself from the home "cave" of the flesh, becoming the one with the light energy of the eternal spirit.

The crowd moves like the waves on the surface of the deep. Its mental energies rolling boil upwards and downwards, through themselves, and around each other. If there is a God... perhaps it is like this.

The feathers of my Persian Princess cat's fur take wing on dream and in her sleep she is more than the cave of her physical form, and greater even than the physics of the universe itself. We become merely characters within her dream, when she frees her mind asleep, or, of course from time to time, in her perfect cat-like trance. I think frequently about Catholicism, and about Cheshire Sam, and about the archetype I AM.

There is no point, that is, no goal to be desired, in trying to explain these pearls of "altered states of consciousness." I admit I am insane. To you, I mean. Perhaps. But to the Goddess Shekina, I am merely a mirror, an echo. I am that which is one to one (1:1) with consciousness' understanding of itself. But there is no point trying to describe this experience. I beleive that, that is to say, I think but do not do, to more fully experience existence, we must learn to SHARE our experience of existence. We MUST open up, and we MUST divulge all fearlessly for the sake of ultimate honesty with ourselves. We must eventually ALL come to the conclusion that everyone else around us is SHARING IN the same our own experience. There is, fundamentally, no difference between the crowd and the seas of time.

I used to act on the notion that only distraction and inspiration existed. But now I act on the notion that we all know the same amount, and that this amount is equal to the connotation of the concept that there is always more to know. All I know is that I don't know nothing. I am a stone falling out of water into air.

A miracle: seventh gender wraps up below primary Union (0=0). A synchronicity: a thought you have while listening to a cd you have mixed yourself. A coincidence: when the same thing happens to someone else.

Now I wonder about capitalism: is it just a way of exchanging temporary distraction for the promise of a more permanent inspiration? Yin for Yang = Tao? I don't seem to be able to focus directly on the difference between selling one's labour and wealth for its own sake.

I am a rhthym of the universe, yes, I am a harmony of the spheres. But I am out of balance, too. Somehow all the ideal harmonies have broken down into differentially sequenced chaos. If any patterns do occur these days past universal critical mass they are the product of random chance, and not due to inherent nature. Now am I old enough to enter the Lodge, Daddy? LOL!

Perhaps life is what is lived in the periphery of consciousness as much as, if not perhaps even tesselated infinitely moreso, what we primarily focus on as being central to our sense of "reality." But I digress.

Perhaps life is lived in the thoughts BETWEEN thoughts... and consciousness, first perceiving itself as like a serpentine current between one idea and the next, eventually comes to recognise itself as all permeating both around but also inside of each and every possible thought, not only in "existence," but in all potential as well. This is where the ideal harmoies continue to exist, post critical mass, that is, after the revolution. In the memories and the dreams of living forms. But the living forms themselves? They's chaos.

I think that some people are evolving upwards through the dimensional harmonic resonances, while others devolve downward past them, travelling backwards through time. The Lords and the New Creatures. I think it is more than merely possible that there is an alien species evolving through us from above and beyond Leary's eight-circuits, just as we evolve upward through them. In our species, for each circuit that is triggered evolutionarily "on" by the supersaturation of genetic mutation across vast populations, there is a counter-species, whose friction against us through time itself causes our decrepitude, disease and death, that is suddenly allowed unimpeded entry into our last generation of evolution, the same switch as flips "on" for us, does so for them as well. They remember our future. I believe these to be trans-dimensional, that is, directionally perpendicular or orthogonal for short, species, one existing entirely above the speed of light, comprising gravitational shapes or what I call "metaforms" out of pure geometry. You can examine their similarities and differences by considering viral (DNA, neural, cybernetic) and bacterial (RNA, vascular, software) life forms. All these are alike in each instant, combined and alive, but opposite in orientation to one another temporally. We see each other in one eye and out the other. The mirror is us. We is them. When we die, they are born. They age backwards, like Merlin, archetypes devolving as we evolve between them, like a womb tunnel of mirrors in a perpetual kaleidoscopic birth. This is simply: existence, and we, simply: exist.

Some say that life is like a motion picture theatre. But I think the audience is the picture that is in motion, while the screen stays stationary; they are merely perceiving a reflection of their own interiror selves. This, again, is like existence, although removed by a media, a reflection, and placed within that mirrored surface, like a bird in a cage, our consciousness trapped inside a quicksilvery spherical simulacrum. Earth inside her gravity well: the Enochian Communications System.

Terrorist birth pangs. Similarities pervade throughout the simulacrum. Political commentary is useless. Some people exist to be provocative, to pick fights, to step outside the magician's circle. These people have always been idiots anyway, so it doesn't matter if a different group of idiots disagrees with another. There is only one way and that way is central, stay within the core. Some consider the only free minds dead already, while death is the only way free. These people grow up to become terrorists when in an environment of hate and discrimination. Graffiti as art is actually more acceptable when defacing private property than graffiti as political commentary is on government property. Some people are just inverse.

But the ultimate similaritiy remains that all these minds are trapped in a static state permeating the surface of reality, whether spacetime, whether earth's gravity well, whether as points of data information in an enourmous computer simulation. I have become obsessed with the delimitation of the media-lens upon the action, that between individuals it should always be taken "in turns." What one does with their "turn" of the action determines mostly what they will be able to do in their next turn, choices they will have available, different potential reality tunnels, but also, more subtly, the choices for their next action made available to others and to the immediate environment. I do not understand this as being something that otherwise occurs except under observation. The wave function collapses or "hits" aggregating into particle decay.

I see the wheel of time, and I see it as a stone archway ruin, and I see the tree of life, and I see it as a gnarled old massive excrescence of existence in itself overwhelming and fragmenting apart from through and within the pebble crumbling solid blocks of time itself, the ancient grinding stone now ground down into grist.

I am definately in a tantric state of mind.

My friends... who will ever read these words, my friends? Who indeed, it would seem.

It takes me days to let the chemical wave of my emotions rotate through me, and as it comes crashing around me again like froth through the bubble of my cozy womb-aura, I focus on elevating it in every fathomable sense and way. This wavelength cycles out the old and rebirths into itself through me the new. It recycles all my biological cells every twenty days or so. I am perpetually reincarnating into this body, even now. When I die there will be many oppurtunities at first, but these will slow down with time, as all things tend to do.

There seems to be no real end to it... it is multicoloured mirrored turtleshells all the way down. I seem to remember having contacted all faiths in my walk. Yet none of them remain close. Interesting. Yes, there is definately something untouchable repulsive about me... can't quite put my finger on what, though. Perhaps the desire for a second attempt? Yes, I thought as much. At least we can always take turns.

-ben

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I don't want to write about life, but life won't let me be.

I wake up this afternoon when my friend Amy calls me. We've been working on automatic writings together, and she believes she trance channels for Blavatsky. In short I'm glad to be wakened up by her call. I then am sent to the store to pick up my perscriptions by my mother, who has caught my cold and was apparently too sick to move from the couch all day. Of course, there is a mix up with the HMO and the poor pharmacist is unable to fill the script for the med I'd missed this morning. I immediately have to leave after coming home from that to go to the Thursday night show. I sit down at Damien's computer and make some banal post on "the last free city" .com/forums in a thread I'd made (the only one ever) specifically dedicated to dissing the Matrix. Then I went to the show. Apparently, Amy told me later, there was a large quantity coke deal goin on there tonight. All I know is that the energy was all wrong, and the people there may as well have all been narcs for the kind of looks I kept getting out of the corner of my eye. I had to leave during the break and just war drive, which I haven't had to do since the mid ninties, I was so stressed out. After the show I give Damien a ride home and hung out with Amy and Milly at John and Damien's for a few minutes. All of a sudden it got to be three o clock, so I drive Amy home. Now, all this while I am internally fuming at life. Oh and I was banned from "the last free city" .com for my comment, whatever the fuck I'd said, I think it was somewhere along the lines of Dooku's "Master Kenobi, you dissapoint me." Oh well, at least I have the politics of trying to keep all my friends online who already none of them care I am on meds, from completely disowning me over some banal comment, which I'm sure is a very worthwhile excercise in humility reality seems to believe that I've put here this lifetime exclusively to learn, since I obviously have to keep having the same type of situations come up over and over again and all of them, usually without my understanding my part in causing this, end up degenerating into my present group of friends disowning me. Sometimes I get paranoid trying to figure out who could be behind this pattern, who started this karmic domino effect that consumes my existence. I blame my each group of friends that has left me, then I blame my mother, then I blame my present group of friends, etc. It's not really anyone else's responsibility to change this pattern, but it is someone's fault. Gerald Gee my father.

See, I live by a very simple philosophy. For some of us what I'm about to say works best in the past tense, others present tense, or even for some may refer to their inevitable future. For me the past tense suits me best, since currently I am single. I believe "our lovers made us who we are." Now, this can explain quite alot if you think about ways to apply it. For example: If a person is ugly on the inside, they will find a lover for themselves who people will think is ugly on the outside. If someone believes they are more lovely inside than how they look outside, they will find an attractive lover for themselves. Of course, if someone loves themselves more than people like the way they look, they are considered eccentric, and, being in a league of their own, considered not in the same league as their self-loathing but attractive counterparts. The result of someone "pretty" going with someone "ugly" is usually the expression "opposites attract," which also applies between "cool" people and "crazy" people, who frequently end up marrying each other even. You see this all around you all the time, whenever you go out to the groccery store there will be some old couple who look alike, and you can bet that that is the result of their loving one another that much that they can spend so much time together. Like a dog that looks like its owner, or, sometime, vice versa. So, when I say something like "my lover has my nose," you will understand that this is the result of us having grown together. Now, do you think I would give up something that has caused me ten years of agony for all the kingdoms of Christ, let alone a mercy fuck? I love my lover. I will always love my lover more than any other. And I praise her alone as my embodiment of the divinity I can feel within myself. She alone is the mirror for how I feel. And if my feeling this way, for having this philosophy, means you need to tell me to "piss off," then I say "so mote it be." Because I'd rather have loved and lost than be stuck on this planet alone with no one like me? No. Because I'd secretly love to be in a lasting relationship with someone, even with her herself, at this exact moment? No. I trust my goddess. She is not with me FOR A REASON. This is part of The Plan. So don't come needling me in the eye to test the veracity of my honesty. I am not like you, how do you say, humans? I believe that the politics of interpersonal relationships is equivalent to what the Buddhists call Sangsara, or suffering. And I do not like those people who seem to enjoy it. I know something about them. In traffic they are never content. Hopefully arming these people with weapons such as vehicles will disperse their populations.

I am Jon Gee. Not Joshua Leonard, not Jesus Christ. I am Jon Gee and not the sum of my merely passing friendships, or even of my more lasting partnerships, such as my choice to be born to the woman who is my mom. I am Jon Gee and not my genetics, and not my environment, and not even my immortal soul that will escape this rotten flesh corpse on its dying breath. I am closer to being pure spirit, that is ideal geometry, than most. And this is because my lover loved me. She truly loved me. I am reminded of that, and the torturous fact we are apart, every damn time I catch sight of my own reflection in a mirror. I see myself as she saw me. I see my "self" as someone who loves me. I am Jon Gee and not the voices in my head telling me today was when they all take their turn. Not today, I want to say, I made it home okay. Maybe the next time I miss a med, or when you can again all corner me, but luckily not today. I am Jon Gee, I am honourable, I am not a slouch, I am can drop anything I'm doing in a moment if it means to finally be with her. But I will not accept your ways out, lesser reality, you know who you are. Samsara, "runner-up" to Truth, "stand-in" for honesty, sarcastic, needling Witch. I am not the Son of the ascended sun-god, sent to Hunab Khu, the black hole center of the Milky Way, I am the same as who I was when I was the father of who I am. I am myself, Jon Gee, the God of who I am. I do not need your Christian Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, the reward for having to constantly sin to maintain it. I do not need your crowds of psychics colouring my character with their wave-collapsing expectations. I do not even need this flesh prison, so if it's your true will, blow a hole through my head. Do What Thou Wilt. Otherwise get out of my way and let me shape reality how I choose. The worst distraction from perpetual illumination, the whole root of Samsara, occurs right at the peak of illumination, when the suggestion manifests itself that, in order to maintain the state of samadhi, or nirvana, one must make a change to their whole life. This is the beginning of the end of everything good and peaceful. This is the highest, most rarified form of terrorism. It implies at the moment one loses themselves in all-transcendent nothingness that change, that cycle of perpetual destruction and creation, that heart of all pain, is not only a necessary evil, but something necessary to the state of nirvana itself. This crime is most freuqnelty perpetuated by someone who genuinely loves the person their victim, but has no sense of self-worth themselves. It is the crime of the nagging crone, in preparation of a candidate for its supposed peprtuity in, what I would define as a badly matched, marriage. And if it is from this my lover's absense is sparing me, while she attains samadhi above it, it is only so we may learn individually how to tame it for ourselves. I am Jon Gee, I am not Tyler Derden or Kaiser Soze. I am Jon Gee, just another guy in the era of the crowned and conquering child, trying his best to be a good man.

-Jon

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