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UPDATE: 8-8-2005
blog blog bloggity blog.
Let's all bloggity blog blog.
There is no such thing as Good. There is no such thing as Evil.
There is no such thing as God, me, you, this world, the universe, chaos, or nothingness.
All of this is one. And already this one is nothing.
I guess these are some of my core beliefs.
There is a terrible force.
AHDVNHAY...
usurpation...
aliens...
otherness......
becoming...
Being.
Do you believe in telepathy?
Do you believe in tachyons?
God is the thing most people believe in. After that, they tend to believe in themselves. The smallest group is the pair. This they separate out to call love or hate. All things greater than this are variously associated with power greater than themselves. For example, the lust to subdue the "world" is generally associated with conspiracy. The universe is even less capable of being known of in whole, and many people remain superstitious. Luck is a fun way of looking at karma. Even nothingness is part of "that which is not," and it follows from there being "that," thus the opposite of "this" is equally likely. And hence "that which was" becomes nothing. Anywho.
Do you believe in temporary nature?
Do you believe in process?
Do you believe Whatever?
Perhaps you believe you are reading these words. Perhaps you believe I mean them.
If you believe it is me you believe in, who do you think you are believing in when I do not believe in myself?
I believe there is no me with which I would believe.
Finding God is like playing hide the dead body. Imagine you were to wake up from this life, this existence. You find yourself entirely in darkness. You light a torch, a lamp, a candle to see. All you can see by the light is a reflection. Where are you?
To awaken from one's self is simple to perceive as it happens. The automatic defintion of the ego changes constantly. Choose to guide it. Choose to define yourself as the one most responsible for your own fate, your future. If you go further than this you will only see patterns. Now turn around. Go back, what do you see? Isn't what you are already part of your ever changing definition of God? The ego, God, are equal. The ego, God, are opposite. The ego, God, are a shadow cast by a mirror, and a mirror reflecting that shadow. Already these two are one. And already this one is nothing.
Where has the self gone? The self that defines? The self that defines itself as the ego, the self that defines the concept of God? The self is one thing, and it is the ego and God. The definer and the defined are together the definition, and already these words are meaningless.
Now you know what it means for me to not believe in myself. And if I don't believe in myself, then why would you choose to believe me? Perhaps I am lying to myself, because to you I am as real as you are to yourself. Me and you are dependent concepts, just like the ego and God. You believe that I am that which wrote what you read now. And insofar as you are central to yourself, you fit your very own definition of God. While God is greater than your definition of yourself, you believe in a consensus reality that contains a concept you define to be "you" and a concept you to define to be "me." However, I do not believe in myself, and thus you cannot believe what I say, and since you are in a reality which you share with your concept of me, then I cast doubt into that reality. Since you share this reality with doubt insofar as you share it with your concept of me, then part of your definition of what is greater than, beyond, outside of your ability to define as being yourself is doubtful. If God is greater than you, as you believe, and God is omni-, as you define, then the doubt with which you share reality cannot exist as part of the definition for this reality in which you believe. God is not everywhere other than within you, and you cannot contain the full amount of doubt that I cast into the reality you believe we share by simply not believing in myself. Therefore, the doubt of God exists, just as much as the concept of God itself. This greater doubt that I cast on your definition of reality is not equal to your ego, your definition of yourself, it is equal to your definition of the concept of God. By not knowing me, it is God whom you are not knowing, and by not knowing myself I deprive you of knowing me. Each of us is free to not be known, to doubt, even to doubt themselves. Beyond there being no God there is no ego, no self-definition. The percentage of consensus reality occupied by your definition of self does not exist relative or congruent to your definition of God. God contained even you. Even the doubt you shared with yourself. Now, you may doubt the world because of doubting me, but then you are doubting with a part of yourself. And what began by my doubting myself, causing you to doubt me, has now placed in your mind the concept of doubt greater than your definition of God. A God without me is no God at all. But this is only belief in your definition of your own ego, and yet there is doubt in your ego. Doubt placed there by me, self-doubt, unwillingness to accept all possible defintions for the self, including that of your definition of God. So long as the self is less than God, I am greater than God. And if I do not exist, it only makes you wonder if you are really less than the concept defined by your ego as God. Maybe you fit your own definition of God too, maybe you are also greater than the concept of God. But that is all God is: a concept. And knowing of the concept does not prove your definition of it, and doubting me causes you to doubt this world that you perceive and are atempting to define. Now doubt your self concept, your ego. There is no me, there is no difference between you and God, because there is no God, therefore there is no you.
Where has the self gone? The self that defines? The self that defines ego as the self, the ego that defines the concept of God? The self is one thing, and yet that one thing is nothingness. The definer and the concept are together the reality, and my refusal to define myself throws into question your concept of my existence. It does not matter what I say, you will have already chosen whether to believe it or not. These words are meaningless.
To awaken from one's self is simple to perceive as it happens. The automatic definition of the ego changes constantly. It does not change throughout perpetuity, from the beginning to the end of this existence. It is only limited in time. If it has a beginning, whether it has no end or not means that it is limited in time. There was existence before the beginning of your own existence. This implies that you are limited in time. Therefore the automatic definition of the ego which you have chosen now to guide is not infinite, not perpetual. And not only is it not equal and opposite to the concept you would define as God, but it is uncertainty in itself. The you that you are might not be.
Finding God is like losing yourself. Imagine you were to wake up to this chaos, this nothingness. You find yourself entirely in darkness. You light a torch, a lamp, a candle to see. All you can see by the light is a reflection. Welcome to nowhere.
I believe there is no me with which not to believe.
If you believe it is God you believe in, who do you think you are believing in when God is doubt itself?
Perhaps you believe you are merely reacting emotionally. Perhaps you believe in your feelings.
Do you believe them all the way?
Do you believe in predictability?
Do you believe in propchey?
God is something many people believe in. After that, some tend to act like they are the source of their beliefs in themselves. The smallest group is you and your own reflection. Separate this out to call love or hate. Some things that follow from these are considered right or wrong. For example, the lust to politicise what is temporary is generally associated with loneliness. The universe is even less capable of being rendered anthropomorphic, but many people remain superstitious. Kamra is a sad way of looking at luck. Odd ocassions of events alone do not constitute the rule of order over chaos, and it follows from there not being "that," thus the opposite of this is equally likely. And hence "that which was not" becomes everything. Boo.
Do you believe in always?
Do you believe in all the way?
Thought.
thinking...
reflection......
voices...
ego...
God...
There is a terrible force.
I guess this is my core understanding:
As above, so below. And already these two are one thing.
There is no such thing as anything, order, belief, good politicians, your reflection, my beliefs, or God.
There is no such thing as Right. There is no such thing as Wrong.
Let's all bloggity blog blog.
blog blog bloggity blog.
-ben
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UPDATE: 8-12-2005
well, I suppose I may as well bring back my blog to the frontpage. Not for any particular reason, by which I mean, don't congradulate yourselves, anyone, on my personal descision. That would only make me laugh.
Recently, some things have gone on on the internet. I don't honestly care enough to summon up the energy to reiterate the details... the majour points are: I pissed "sturm" off on tlfc/philo, who then posted using my screenname on gamefaq.com, causing a bunch of peeps from there to visit my site and berate it. This type of thing happens about once a year it seems. "Synch" hacked my tlfc.com account a couple years ago, "randy" (from the same site) posted claiming to be my brother causing all my net friends to worry I was in danger of commiting suicide. It's a pretty old trick. I've learned to be indifferent, these things just go on, it doesn't reflect on me, not my problem.
But it does lead me to wonder about human nature. There's a lyric in a SOAD song I've been pondering that goes, "what is in us that turns a deaf ear to human suffering." I guess this is in direct porportion to the amount of our own suffering we bottle up and hide from ourselves. I try not to do this to myself, and worry about it obsessively. Am I being honest about how I feel?
I guess some people feel such anguish they don't think they can cope with it, maybe it would just be too time consuming in their lives, or maybe they tell themselves they shouldn't feel some way or another. Being dishonest to yourself... leads to being dishonest to others.
This issue of duplicity is a potent one for some people. Not me. I am always honest, because I am at peace with my own understanding of what the word truth means to me. To me truth isn't frightening, it isn't ever something that we should be ashamed of. It definately isn't something that deserves being cloistered away and protected inside a castle of lies. I found long ago that the truth is simpler to remember than any elaborate lie, no matter how "close" to the truth. White lies, sins of omission... simple things. Loose lips sink ships, and agitationist propaganda. We live in a duplicitous world, where people who lie succeed and people who cling to ideals are punished. I simply made the choice, a while ago, to tell the truth and take the heat.
I think this has something to do with having been raised on 80's sitcoms. It was always soooo "funny" when Jack Tripper or Sam Malone got into some "situation" as a result of a misunderstanding. "Laugh only when your parents do, find their culture transferred to you."
Being honest isn't really that big of a deal. I would hate to think I was going to heaven while other people I know and love were going to hell simply because they found enjoyment that I do not in playing childish mind-games with one another. They deserve their pleasures, however fleeting... the rush of getting away with it, of playing a prank and not getting caught. "Did you see the look on their face?" is a fun thing to go through the phase of saying, even honestly caring about. I even used to do things which I later regretted. I confess, I made my fair share of mistakes. And I don't blame them on youth. I don't blame anyone or anything for them. The only reason I consider them mistakes is... well... a wee tad complicated.
When I first read Crowley's "Confessions" the passage, "I learned with joy that every waking moment of my life could be dedicated to the Great Work" (paraphrased) stood out to me. It was one of the first times I heard that alarm buzzer ringing, reminding me to wake up. I learned about the difference between the "lesser" will and the "true" will, or Jechidah and Chiah. The lesser will is just the selfish id, while the true will guides us through learning experiences.
I used to be confused, which is the sole source of my regrets about my youth. I used to have confused my inner instincts and the vision and voice of my "Holy Guardian Angel," my higher self. I hurt so many people along the way that I can never make repirations to them all. I have to live with that guilt, those scars. But I am not that reckless, torn child anymore. I am responsible for my reactions, I and I alone.
I don't like to think I am bottling up my emotions. But sometimes I have to remind myself not to act out on them. Not to lash out thoughtlessly... in fact... to not lash out at all. There is no goal in vengeance that serves anything except the angst of an abused inner child. The higher will is bored by such distractions. It is the higher will that fixates me now. Not the crude gestures of the guts.
Anyway, just thought I'd share this, since it's all thanks to the internet that I have been led to think along these lines of late. Perhaps someone reading this will better understand myself or even themself as a result of these words, though probably not. All I intend to do in this entry is to express myself, my boredom and apathy with liars, with plotters, schemers, the duplicitous and the dishonest. The sooner they die, twice will they be reborn. I do not wish them anything but for them to finally find that inner child, so frightened, so misused. To find them, to hold them, to allow them release, and freedom to grow. Freedom from the sheltering fists of the liar's shell.
-ben
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UPDATE: 8-21-05
Well, I just tried unsuccessfully to talk to my mom about money.
When mom was still married to my father, he always kept the family finances secret from her. He guilt-tripped her constantly, telling her she wasn't responsible enough to handle economics, but really he was covering up the funds he was using to live several different secret lives, having countless affairs, and often making "business" trips to go stay with these women, some of whom were married and some of whom even had their own children. Meanwhile, back at our house, he frequently neglected to pay the utility bills, which resulted in our electricity being turned off at least a couple of different times that I can remember. The last fading rays of the sun would succumb to the gathering shadows as my father would sit across the room from me and explain to me that he intended to divorce my mom some day.
Almost immediately after she divorced him, her father died, and named her executrix of his estate. From being constantly told she was too stupid to handle money, she was suddenly thrust into handling not only our family finances, but also oversee the divvying up of her and her brother's inheritance. Grief-stricken, she managed to budget a liquid asset college fund for me as well as transfer over to me an impressive portfolio of diversified blue chip stocks and interest-bearing bonds. I quickly spent all of this... not some, not most... ALL. A great deal went toward an impressive library of books and collection of music, as well as rent and utilities for the apartment and then duplex house where I lived for a couple years. And of course, a much greater quantity than I can overcome the shame for having spent went, literally, to pot.
Last year, mom and I finally waded through the beuracratic nightmare of applying for social security disability. The initial sum for which I qualified could be increased, we were told, depending on the percentage of it that I was contributing to household expenses. The remaining amount of social security disabilities I get is barely enough to cover cigarettes and gas per month, such that I am very lucky if I can budget buying a CD every other month. This is not an exaggeration. I've been in the red and borrowed money from mom for the last three months. This month I seem to be breaking about even so far, but I will also need to begin repaying mom next month for the $200 hard drive I got a couple weeks back.
In October (for my birthday) or for the December holidays I hope to use my monthly savings fund contribution for some books I'd like to order over the internet. I told mom this and it set her off right properly.
The thing that I don't understand is why she now keeps from me like a shameful secret our family finances in the same way that Gerry used to keep them secret from her. When I ask her what she's been doing with the hundred per month I contribute for household expenditures she gives me contradictory answers, and when I press her on this she squirms uncomfortably and says that now is not a good time to talk about it. I can understand why she wouldn't trust me to be able to handle my own finances, or why she would feel that she has to be twice as responsible for them because I am still a dependent. I just think it's kinda ironic.
Money has always been a difficult idea for me to wrap my brains around. It seems to cause only problems, create only distrust, fear and sorrowful emotions. Why people have chosen this substance to revolve their lives around is beyond my ability to comprehend. I would be able to understand it if, like other addictive substances, it caused a short-term emotional or psychological peak. But it does not. I would be able to understand it if, like pure mathematics done for its own sake, it obeyed logical rules and could be manipulated to produce elegant and meaningful solutions. But it does not. From my perspective money seems to serve no purpose whatsoever other than being an arbitrarily valued method of making one person feel bigger and more important than they really are while making another person feel smaller and less important than someone else. This seems immoral to me.
The value of possessions is inversely proportional to the possession of values. Think about this: it is a feeling of lacking that leads people to want. When one lacks emotional or psychological satisfaction, they turn to gathering physical and material properties. If you're sad, go shopping. When you are content with what you have, then there is no reason for jealousy of what others have. When you enjoy having one thing more than getting another, there is no reason to be greedy and want anything more. When all you do is fear losing it, you neglect to appreciate what you have. These are some of the fundamental laws that fuel capitalism.
Most people who I've talked to that take a position in defense of capitalism fall back on the arguement that money is not what is important, that money is merely a means to an end, and that how you make your money and how you spend your money are better reflections on your true character than how much money you make or how much you keep for yourself. I disagree. If money is not what is important, then let them go without it. If money is merely a means to an end, and if that end is how we define ourselves, then let us try to define ourselves without money, and see what people think of us then. If it were really how we make and on what we spend our money, then why do so many people feel unhappy or unfulfilled by their jobs, and why do so few people own so much?
I was explaining some of these points to D's girlfriend K, and she told me that I couldn't be a communist living in the capitalist United States. She invited me to move to China, and when I pointed this out as being bigotry by comparing her sentiments to southern US racists, she refused to see any similarity. This is simply being realistic, I realise now. When she said that Bush was already a de facto dictator and that there was nothing to be done about this fact, I came to realise that all hope for revolution was permanently lost. The young people of this country really do support the neo-con agenda, even if only because they do not realise that the neo-con agenda does not benefit them.
I guess I was only lucky that, when I was still very young, I realised I had a completely different system of values than those around me. I questioned authority, and the majority of authorities I found the most questionable, those whose explanations seemed the flimsiest and least in keeping with their own understanding and logic, were the ones I have since come to associate with "conservative" politics and "christian" dogma. These seem to me to be the most hypocritical belief systems, and those which defy logic the most.
"Conservatives" use the issue of "family values" to distract everyone from the immorality of their bloodlines' material monopolies. "Christians" make inalienable civil-liberties (such as womens' rights to abortion, to divorce, to suffrage) into "hot-button" debates to distract everyone from the scandalous behaviour of their own priests and paritioners. These belief structures have become rotten from the inside out by those who merely use them to conceal their own personal evil. "Conservative" originally involved less centralisation of authority, however the neo-cons are building an American Empire. "Christianity" originally meant loving your neighbor and forgiving your enemies, however its modern infrastructure is advocating religious disunity and bigoted prejudices against natural sexualities.
It does not escape me that these views would make most people angry. Anger is a natural emotional response when confronted by something lesser and opposite, just as fear is the natural emotional response when confronted by something greater and opposite. Most people would feel angry at me for my viewpoint, while I am frightened by most people's viewpoint. Just think about that. Why would one even deign to be angry at my opposing viewpoint unless they recognised its potential to become greater than their own, to frighten them and even if only remotely possibly overwhelm their own. "Christians" and "conservatives" thrive on this terror; it feeds their persecution complex. Until there no longer exists one person in whose mind exists an opposing viewpoint, the Conservative-Christian Empire will continue to grow. Its anger at the miniscule opposition which remains and the fear behind this anger are a more powerful motivation for its expansion than are their opposites capable of compelling any opposition to it. Love, empathy, compassion, peace... these stand no chance in the face of the Conservative-Christian Empire's agenda of ubiquity.
Money IS a tool, an instrument for self-expression. But not by the individual. It is a tool used by the Conservative-Christian Empire to oppress the individual.
-ben
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UPDATE: 8-25-05
I can think of literally nothing to say.
Tuesday was the second TBS show at the Warehouse. I had missed the first one because I drank heavily on Monday evening the night before. This one however I even budgeted my sleep to be able to attend, although I left right after the performance.
It's strange to see my friends in a band, onstage at a local venue, performing music. I don't much care for the reggae genre personally, and an all-white reggae band sounds a silly idea to me, but this is what they have chosen, and quite frankly, I think they are quite good at it. Better by a fantastic amount than any of the other bands I've known.
Bands have been forming around me for some time now.
The first band that I ended up hanging out with was formed by a mutual friend of ours and my best friend from childhood, John and Mike. I also suggested Andy, another old childhood friend of mine from growing up, as a lead guitarist. They eventually ended up getting a drummer named Jay who was priveldged to own a very elaborate drum kit. They sounded young and rebellious, goofy sad serious. They called themselves "Gabe and the Couches."
Following highschool I attended community college with John, and he eventually introduced me to another old friend of his named Jason. Through Jason we eventuallly ended up hanging out with Eric and Dave, and then through them and Jason's sister, Lisa, eventually met a younger kid named James G. Another old acquiantance of at least John and mine from the old days, James P., also started showing up and hanging out with all of us. Eric, Dave, James G. and John formed a band as well. They were called "Crescent Fresh," and they all eventually moved to New Orleans.
And now, "Trial By Stone," the current incarnation of the band phase. And so far they are definately the most solid performers and most professional in their delivery of their material, not afriad to cover other artists, but not without their own songs as well. This is the most together band I have hung out with so far.
Gabe was fueled by highschool rage, the post-Cobain angst and oneui of highschool romances. It was good, unique music. Stirring and evokative. But it defied fitting definately into the provided generic stereotypical terms available in its time, and so did not catch on. I felt that their type of music could definately become the next big thing, but none of them were genuinely dedicated to this common cause, except, ironically enough, for Jay.
Crescent Fresh's mentor band was called the Soular System. It's frontman Desmond was quite the coke fiend at that time. Desmond was the lead singer in the all-white funk band, the SS. The members of Crescent Fresh were the guys that introduced me to the musician's muse named marijuana. Eric's main influence was TOOL, and I still have a cd of their first show flying around here somehwere. I don't remember them being all that good, but I was quite distracted by my own thoughts at that time.
Now, TBS, on another hand, have the same amount of enthusiasm as Gabe had passion, and they smoke herb. As performers they are fine tuned to clockwork perfection, and they enjoy not only one another's company through the rapport of music, but also, as was evident on the show Tuesday, but they equally appreciate the banter and bar-talk of the live venues. Plus it doesn't hurt that they are all of legal drinking age, and not too shabby looking either.
Having had the Crescent Fresh gang pack up and move away on me was difficult for me at the time. Moreso, maybe even mainly, because I had just gone across country a few months before to visit my estranged highschool lover. This financially costly adventure had not gone well, and to lose my only group of friends at that time immediately afterward added insult to injury. I find it difficult to trust the TBS group because of these old wounds.
I think highschool will probably turn out to have been the highpoint of my life. I had the most fun, was most well known and liked, and dated the greatest number of people I would in all the subsequent nearly a decade. This is the end of autumn and the beginning frosts of early winter of my life now I think. But the winter will be long, I have my assurances, and I will die old and happy with a long white beard. The springtime of my life came quickly. My summer with my young love was so fleeting and yet so resoundingly profound. And since then I have been letting the leaves fall from my trees.
I appreciate the gestures that have been made toward me by the universe. I understand that sometimes bad things must happen that some good things can happen. Emotions are only the weather of a higher dimensional plane. I do not need to want things. One season's buyers are another season's growers. The world is a round the clock farm. Only grazing.
-ben
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UPDATE: 8-27-05
Well. This type of week makes up for alot. These are the halcyon times. I must remember that these times still happen, no matter how far apart they are, and that, perhaps, to appreciate them while they are here will increase the amount of time they last, if not this time, then next. For no matter how far apart they are, these times still happen. These are the halcyon times.
The other day I upgraded my bookstore with tables of contents .pdf's for all the applicable titles. Hopefully this will allow people to feel like they are actually picking up the book and opening it up to look inside. Maybe this will even stimulate sales!
Later that night I was playing around with my "Portrait of Time" drawing from the historia singularitatis page.
The first thing I did when I woke up today was correlate the Chladni-Crookes findings into a coherent post on my forum. I'm pretty satisfied with these findings:
After this I sat down and dug out my earlier calculations for the durations of time measured on the Enochian Calendar.
In the late afternoon I upgraded the frontpage pictures of my room (although the ones from my when I first started the site are still up on the blog.page for comparison).
And throughout all of this I was zipping around to various forums and making snappy replies, and listening to my ~GOD~ cd. I'm still planning on unveiling the ~GOD~ page, though this will have to wait until October when starwars-spoilers domain name expires.
My birthday is in October, and that's why I was talking to mom about money the other night. I want to order some books online that add up to about $100, but I might do that for myself for X-mas. For my birthday, I'm thinking of taking fifty dollars and going to print up the .pdf file of Occult Chemistry. I might also like to throw in on the shadow tarot deck that D and I found on the internet being printed out on cardstock, or possibly my conspiracy theories thread printed up like a magazine. Maybe I'll splurge and get all three.
Anyway, for any early X-mas shoppers out there, here's my early list:
World Revolution or the Plot Against Civilisation. ($12.50 hc)
Memoirs Illustrating the History of Jacobinism. ($58 only hb)
Old Testament Pseudepigrapha. ($34.59)
I do hope that making a wishlist before Halloween isn't anything like wearing white after labour day. Anyway, I've been having a pretty good time, even though no one seems to ever visit my forum anymore.
-ben
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UPDATE: 8-31-05
hey all.
as said in my 3.21 thread, my computer died, so I have taken it to the computer hospital. It will be in for at least a couple days, not due to the severity of the problem, but because of all the ass hole freshmen bringing their computers into my local store.
Anyway, D got arrested. Yes, my best friend right now, Damien, was hauled in on a DUI charge last night (on his way HOME from his OWN concert!). Paying the fines is probably going to be the beginning of life long debt problems, since they just purchased a home under K's dad's name and already owed phone and insurance bills, as well as owning D's mom car payments.
In addition to that, tonight there are terrifying rumours of a "gas shortage" going around. People are literally calling everyone they know to tell them to go out right away and buy gas.
This scares me. Not because of the inevitable increase of gas prices leading to some Mad Max world-like scenario where a cigarette lighter is the highest value item imaginable. It scares me because it means people believe what they are told.
The news tells people that the hurricane is going to cause a temporary US gas shortage. This means the gas/energy companies are going to use a natural disaster as an excuse for doubling the rate at which they are bilking their gas-junkies. One story says tankers can't dock or have crashed, another story has it that oil rigs (only built two years ago) sank or are down and that this will cause the regional or (hopefully) even national hike in price. Nonsense.
Damien's cell-mate was in on a third degree felony charge for being in possession of a fake ID. When did this happen? When did having hold of someone else's or a forged identity card become a greater charge than driving drunk? How is this more dangerous or the greater crime? Yet, as Damien put it, "they can do whatever they want."
So, the fucking fat-faced, fat-wallet, fat-lip, fat-for-brains, glutted fat cats can "do whatever they want"??? They tell the news to spread the lie that gas prices are going to double, and then people double their rate of gas consumption, and hence the rate of gas value. This causes gas company stock-rates to go up, and this raises their market value. The people that owned these stocks sell high, and to pay them their dividends, the companies justify doubling their budgeted expenditures. To break even then they have to double their revenue, either by doubling sales or doubling cost. The moral is that one fat cat in government shakes hands with another fat cat CEO, and they conspire to fool the news into making believe a story that will trick the people themselves into causing gas prices to rise.
Anyway, everything's got me kinda nervous right now.
That's all for now.
-ben
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this information is all © 2005 Jonathan Barlow Gee
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