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UPDATE: 9-22-06

Well, as long as we are airing MY dirty laundry, the post that sara is referring to is one from the public chat forum on my own site, titled "death to benpadiah," where I'd posted:

last night I tried to kill myself. I prayed as hard as I could to God to let me die. Where there was a river, God put a boat. I choked myself nearly unconscious with a seatbelt, hoping to pass out and die from lack of oxygen.

I did this because I am weary of this condition of existence. I long for the unconditional love of the Creator, to be delivered from the worldly pain of the adversary.

I realise now, it doesn't matter if I die from ingesting monoatomic gold, as I would like, or if I die in an ignoble experiment.

My life has become charity, gone through for the benefit solely of others.

-ben

with a poll reading:

should I kill off the "benpadiah" personality?

yes 0% [ 0 ]
no 0% [ 0 ]

Total Votes : 0

-source: "death to benpadiah"

Now, I should mention here, that most of what I write is fiction. For example, when I am writing about the astral or psychic confrontation between Busta Rhymes, on behalf of the Great Burner, and Laura Bush, on behalf of the neo-Sethians, for dominance in the Order of Death, this is obviously fiction, even though I am using the names of "real" people, places, things, etc. The point in my doing this is to stretch people's definitions of "fiction," and to encourage people to sort out what is "real" from what is the product of the "imagination," and so to encourage them to think for themselves, instead of just accepting everything at face value. This technique is common among authors. It is called "literary liscence."

Now, my blog is something I use more as a topical testing ground. I have placed a counter on the front page, which I can use to determine what blogs garner the most visitors, etc. I can then decide what topics, what writing styles, etc. will meet with the most popular approval. I then ammend my own thinking to concentrate more on what would make those thoughts that I wish to convey possible to do so using the given topics and styles, etc. So, when I write about the Great Burner in one paragraph, and something personal about my own life in another, be assured the order and wording of these paragraphs is very intentionally chosen by yours truly to reflect all this research. That's just how I use the web. That's... how I roll.

Ok, so, all that being said, the point being to sort out the "fiction" from the "fact," I'm not saying that my having attempted suicide is not a fact. In fact, I have never attempted suicide for its own sake before in my entire life. In fact, I have not had any suicidal thoughts lately at all, and am, in fact, feeling very good, and have been for at least six months. So, why, then, did I suddenly attempt suicide? I think that, as one enters the trance of samadhi, from that of samasamadhi, that is, when one enters the condition of daily existence that one is constantly in an "altered" state of consciousness, ie. nirvana, one must confront their inner self, their repressed memories, in the state of utmost calm and tranquility. In other words, when you're most high, you deal with your own lowest lows. With great power comes great responsibility. So, because I have felt so "on top of the world," I decided now would be a good time to cope with some of what I feel like when I feel like I am Atlas.

I have found that, one cannot have lived life without having confronted their own death. I used to risk my life quite often doing foolish and childish things when I was a young man in my teens and early twenties. However I never consciously chose to attempt ending it all. I often threatened this, which means I used to be afraid of it myself, and think others should be too. However now I had no fear of it, and welcomed it, and embraced it fully in a state of samadhic sobriety. So, in order to change my life for the better, in order to begin a new state, a condition of constant bliss, I have to let go of that part of my life that holds me back, the old state, the condition of constant suffering. So, that is why I attempted suicide. It was as a celebration of my existence, which is so much more than only my "life."

Now, I posted that I'd done this a day or two after I'd done it on my public chat forum. No one replied, so I added a poll and wrote a front page blog about it. Unfortunately, guests cannot vote in the poll, but they can post in the public forum, to reply directly to the original post. I did all this as a form of "market research" about the "benpadiah" personality. That is, the basis for my online name, the fallen Christ of the Last Temptation, the crucified gnostic, the unknown Holy ghost in the church's deus ex machina. After all, it is my former "Christ Complex" that has driven me into the position of the "benpadiah" personality, and so I am basically interested in finding out what people would think if I acted less on that and acted more like a self-actualised individual sentient entity, like a self-responsible adult citizen and a man, than I have been able to. Of course, my illness that has caused my "Christ complex" also prevents me from addressing this issue directly in public, hence the "death to benpadiah" pretext, rather than a more direct, "death to Jon Gee."

By now you're probably wondering what the point is in all of this anyway. It's pretty simple. The other day I tried to die. Now, why we are discussing that HERE, on the IO forum, I have no ------- clue. Honestly, anyone who wished to know about this would have read my blog anyway, or else I would have talked to them about it in person. There is really no need for the free advertisement, sara. In other words, you've got an account on my forum, or you could have posted your above sentiments there as a guest even. I have no idea why you would bother making this post here.

Wishing me happy birthday, when I first joined, because I mentioned it was my birthday that day, on a public forum, is appropriate. Blowing me a kiss because I have recently attempted suicide?

Priceless.

-ben

-source: http://illuminati-order.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=619&p=6033#6033

so, without further ado, the "market research" results:

how to read the chart:

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stats by month chart

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"Welcome to my little corner of cyberspace."
-source: 06/05
6 updates: 6-14, 6-16, 6-20, 6-23, 6-26, 6-28 [stat counter not installed]
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"I've been really out of it for the past few days."
-source: 07/05
7 updates: 7-2, 7-4, 7-6, 7-8, 7-14, 7-17, 7-29 [stat counter not installed]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"blog blog bloggity blog."
-source: 08/05
6 updates: 8-8, 8-12, 8-21, 8-25, 8-27, 8-31 [stat counter not installed]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"well, I just got back from the Tuesday Trial By Stone show at the Warehouse."
-source: 09/05
3 updates: 9-7, 9-18, 9-30 [stat counter not installed]
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"But, bi-polar or not, a brother can't come on here, shit on everyone's parade, then get defensive when people don't like the stink of said shit." -Kevin Smith
-source: 10/05
3 updates: 10-06, 10-08, 10-21 [220 page loads, 68 unique visitors]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I think I have created the benpadiah personality in order to be able to use it to store all my greater personality of insights, such as my voice or writing style."
-source: 11/05
1 update: 11-09 [151 page loads, 67 unique visitors]
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"I used to be twenty one and hanging around with eighteen year olds."
-source: 12/05
6 updates: 12-03, 12-09, 12-15, 12-19, 12-23, 12-29 [304 page loads, 97 unique visitors]
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"I saw a guy walking two dogs without leashes on my street the other day."
-source: 01/06
2 updates: 01-14, 01-25 [171 page loads, 69 unique visitors]
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"You know, energy is a funny thing."
-source: 02/06
1 update: 02-27 [140 page loads, 66 unique visitors]
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"It's been a rather trying week this week."
-source: 03/06
2 updates: 03-14, 03-28 [281 page loads, 65 unique visitors]
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"I'm tired. So tired."
-source: 04/06
1 update: 04-16 [190 page loads, 56 unique visitors]
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"For two weeks straight I don't dream."
-source: 05/06
1 update: 05-05 [160 page loads, 76 unique visitors]
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"The class of messengers has been lost to time."
-source: 06/06
1 update: 06-04[339 page loads, 288 unique visitors]
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"last night I tried to kill myself."
-source: 07/06
1 update: 07-25 [645 page loads, 445 unique visitors]
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"So who am I?"
-source: 08/06
1 update: 08-22 [469 page loads, 391 unique visitors]
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it seems pretty clear to me what the results of this research are.

click to get a longer overall view of my site's stat couner "terrain" per annum, per quarter, per month, week, day of month and day of week:

(this graph is current up to Thursday, September 21, 2006, with 1977 visitors to my page)

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this information is all © 2006 Jonathan Barlow Gee

LINKS: