benblog

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UPDATE: 11-09-05

I think I have created the benpadiah personality in order to be able to use it to store all my greater personality of insights, such as my voice or writing style. I then do not know who I, Jon Gee, myself am!

This is something I have sincerely been struggling with since I first started this blog. But it is not the "benpadiah" personality that bothers me. All if well with the "benpadiah" personality. Sometimes he can be a mean drunk, but most of the time, benpadiah is an obtuse, pedantic, erudite, snobbish and arrogant, pompous, know-it-all wind-bag who recites off cross references from throughout all of my esoteric research like a kid leaping from mountain peak to mountain peak. So there is clearly no problem with benpadiah.

However this other character, this Jon Gee person... where does he fit into all of this? Where does he begin and benpadiah end?

Well, since the character of benpadiah, that is, the name I call my personal voice or writing style, my pen-name or alter-ego is entirely a product of my own mind, then we can say that I am the body of Jon Gee and the mind of benpadiah.

But Jon Gee is nonetheless who I am. Benpadiah, being a figment of my imagination, does not really exist. In essence, I can get to know myself THROUGH understanding benpadiah, but I cannot cease being myself and become exclusively benpadiah.

If benpadiah is the voice I have given for all of my esoteric research, then I should be able to speak with this voice, and to some extent I do. Whenever I get the chance to enter into, or stear a current one into, a conversation about the esoteric, I lapse quite easily into the voice of benpadiah. But this is, of course, not very often.

My relationships with Sims and Damien have only begun relatively recently. Damien I have known for only a little over a year, and Sims pointed out to me that the one-year anniversary of our having met was on Halloween. Our conversations regarding my esoteric research are frequent enough, but still new to me.

So, too, is distinguishing the voice of benpadiah from my own. I feel I have seen, as benpadiah, all of the things from my researches which he describes so eloquently. However, I know that I, myself who suffers from this mental illness, suffers also from short-term memory loss due to prolonged periods of alternating sleep-deprivation and sleep-hybernation. I come to not know one day from another, and have to remember the difference between my waking and dreaming realities by forcing myself to remember the difference between my waking and sleeping periods of time.

In my dream reality, I am already married. We are both long since out of school now, and I have no more regular dreams about institutional buildings and their beuracratic mazes. Instead, every night, I am blessed to be near to my loved one for whom I have longed and longed for all my life. I believe these dreams to reflect the eternal.

In my dream reality, also, must I categorize all of my esoteric research, or rather, most of how I spend my life during my waking hours as well. This is unfortunate, but true, because these studies all add up on the side of mental illness in that case. I do not have a job, and I cannot yet support myself independently financially. Those are the realities, and it is only a delusion, all I know about my esoteric studies. This is because of my short-term memory loss, caused by my irregular sleep patterns.

In reality, that is, if I were to be permanently separated from all the source materials of my esoteric research, I would not long be able to remember all of them, let alone to make references between them as easily as I can as benpadiah, that is, while writing.

I do fervently pray to all that which is one within the Most High that nothing ought to have to ever happen that would separate my awareness of myself from my awareness of the benpadiah voice for my esoteric research. Always, I pray, should this voice be near.

But even this voice, I know, is not me. It is only one small part of who I am! Glory to the Highest! The benpadiah voice is simply the voice of the character I assumed to post on the internet, and thus, I planned, to compile a collection of such internet bulletin board posts to be published as "the benpadiah posts." This would only amount to one, although by now beit rather lengthy, book I, Jon Gee, have written.

On this site, benpadiah.com, I have chosen to publish as e-books a collection of all of the written works I have transcribed to or composed on the computer. These all bear MY name, the name Jon Gee, and not the name benpadiah. The benpadiah voice is only the most recent, albeit yet ongoing, addition to the collection of voices, or writing styles, I assumed for each different category of work.

In the Tree of Death, for example, I had chased the idea of the devil all around without ever stating my own cosmology of the fall. This was an equally erudite voice, though one much more steeped in scholasticism. As an hommage to the fact that it was still me, Jon Gee, writing it, I intentionally neglected to include a bibliography for the sources I had so fastidiously cited throughout the thouroughly well researched work. This was a nod to my jabs at scholasticism and its futilities in the introduction to the bibliography of the MPRD, my so called "all purpose bibliography." The Jon Gee, in other words, I am saying, that wrote the MPDR was the same Jon Gee who wrote the Tree of Death, though they were written in completely different types of writing style or voice. The MPDR was written exclusively as direct revelation regarding the existence of the Most High. The Tree of Death was written scholastically to prove the emptiness of such a system of reference from containing any one sole authour's own theory, that authour, in this case, being me. In other words, the MPDR covers the Most High and the revelation from above. The Tree of Death covers the pits of burning books, or Hell. But they were both written by the same person: Jon Gee. NOT benpadiah.

I have been through Heaven and I have been through Hell. I have written even more books than only these two even, and each a unique and different type of piece reflecting the glorious lustre of my own unique personality. Each with its own voice, some more unique, some more similar, and yet they all share one thing in common. They have MY name on them, but they weren't written BY me. They were all written in the delusory personality of benpadiah.

I have to accept that the esoteric research I have done, including all of my writing, since it has ALL been inspired by such, is only part of a delusional reality, a form of schizophrenia that I have tricked myself into believing, that itself constitutes the necessary surroundings for me to manifest the benpadiah voice. As I have studied ONLY esoteric research, it is, as I have said, not often a topic of conversation. However, through my writings, through ALL of my writings, I am free to express the esoteric researches I have done, and even add my own theories to this great tradition.

But whose theories are these? They do not BELONG to Jon Gee. They have MY name on them, but they were written by benpadiah. It is in his voice you shall find all of them narrated. In reality, I, Jon Gee, am nothing like this voice, although in the solace of my room I may indeed surround myself with the studies of my esoteric research.

As I have said, until now I have been living in a delusional parallel reality to being myself, being Jon Gee. While under the benpadiah delusion, I accumulated many sources for pursuing my studies in esoteric research. My room is, thus, a testament to my insanity.

So, I return to my initial question: "Who is Jon Gee? Who am I?" Am I but the vessel carrying the benpadiah voice, and by this the ability to make reference to all of my esoteric research? Am I but that which uplifts that voice toward God? Or is this voice merely madness, and I a terminal psychotic?

I believe that my benpadiah delusion is an offshoot of the great and massive Christ complex I had when I was younger. I believed that somebody had to fulfill the role of a messiah during this period in human history we are now in, and I decided that it might as well be me. However, I have long since gone through the coming-of-age ritual associated with the testing for being such a messiah, and failed bitterly, and so have gone down this road that is an offshoot of the christ complex, the benpadiah delusion.

Now, sometimes, when I am particularly delusional, I even believe I am the literal reincarnation of the person of Yeshuah Ben Padiah, from whom my benpadiah delusion derives its name. This syndrome is associated with the concept of being a failed Christ, or false Messiah. This syndrome, the benpadiah delusion, is parallel to the otherwise much more common God complex experienced mainly by Doctors, that is, a natural high such as a runner's high, the rush experienced by the thief, being high on life. The God complex and the benpadiah syndrome are 180 degrees from each other. One is sick, therefore both are sick.

I think I am merely exploring alternative lines of thinking, but in reality I am in the grip of a socially paralysing and ultimately terminal psychotic delusion. I believe that this personality that I channel through me, the benpadiah voice that comes through in my writings, IS, in fact, who I myself am. This flies in the face of all contradictory evidence, such that in person I am not like who I am in my style of writing, and that all of my esoteric research is part of a delusional reality I have constructed for myself in which I am a fallen Messiah. There is plenty of evidence all around me even now of how completely crazy I really am.

I am, indeed, so crazy that I am willing to believe, within the Holiest of Holies, within my heart of hearts, that I and benpadiah are indeed one and the same. The voice through which I write about all my esoteric research, this is, indeed who I am. It is quite clear that I am suffering (!) under this delusion, that I am some form of Messiah or God, and therefore it should not be permitted to continue to plague and affect me. It causes me to increase my labours of longing for love, and it causes me to dissociate from my present environment. There is good in it and bad.

It is clear to me that I split from the Messiah complex into the benpadiah delusion at the point of my coming-of-age ritual intiation ceremony, at which point, had I succeeded, I would now be in a parallel reality where I would suffer from the delusion of the God complex. All of these types of things are what they lock people up in mental institutions for believing. Meanwhile look at the president.

So, when does "benpadiah" stop and Jon Gee begin? Where do I, Jon Gee, fit into all of this? Well, if I am the vessel housing the benpadiah delusion, then I am clearly insane, because this form of delusion is an offshoot from the Christ or Messiah complex and this complex is considered clearly insane. In other words, as much as I may have to say regarding my esoteric research, all of this is delusional, as the pursuit of my esoteric research stems from the benpadiah dleusion offshoot of the Christ complex of psychosis.

I, Jon Gee, have what is known as a degenerative, terminal, mental illness. Although I have not been diagnosed schizophrenic, I have long since been diagnosed (or perhaps, as I believe, misdiagnosed) as bipolar or manic depressive. Manic-depression is a form of degenerative, terminal, mental illness just like as is schizophrenia. Both of these are degenerative, terminal mental illnesses, although the symptoms and affective behaviour patterns caused by each are different.

Therefore, because I am bi-polar, and because I follow different length cycles of time from the majority of the rest of society in particular, then I can objectively rationalise about the schizophrenic delusion of being benpadiah, an alternate personality. I can go even further than this and say that I am AND am not entirely this benpadiah delusion without actually succumbing to suffering under either delusion entirely. To become one with the benpadiah delusion would mean I were schizophrenic, and to separate myself entirely from the source of my own inspiration would be MPD, multiple-personality disorder. Both of these paths, the path of acceptance of the benpadiah delusion as complete reality, and the path leading to the sanctioning off of the benpadiah personality, are, like my own diagnosis of manic-depression, degenerative, termianl, mental illnesses.

In other words, it is because I am NOT suffering from schizophrenia or MPD, but also because I AM suffering from bipolar manic-depression, that I can offer a relatively sane sounding interpretation of my own insanity. Because I am neither sick nor well, but both, I can communicate between my own delusional relaities and the sane and sober world of "straight" people, the "normals" or those who, in NAMI, we call the "undiagnosed."

This is truly a fascinating feat! However, it speaks volumes as to the depths of my insanity, that is, the depths of the encroachment of the benpadiah delusions into my sense of reality, and the degeneration of my own mind caused by the terminal mental illness. For I have spent SO much time in pursuit of esoteric research, and that all being lumped on the side of my mental illness under the auspices of the benpadiah delusions, that I can really NOT actually communicate between my own delusional realities and the sane and sober world of "straight" people, the "normals," the "undiagnosed."

That is, I can communicate, yes, but only in one direction: from the delusional world through myself to the "straight" world. I cannot communicate back. This is because of my degenerative, terminal, mental illness. It separates me from the rest of not only society (I do that myself by choice), but all of reality as it is known and experienced by anyone and everyone else in this world who are NOT suffering from my same exact delsuional reality. As I said, because I do NOT have schizophrenia and I do NOT have MPD, I can describe the two paths that usually follow from recognition of the onset of an alternate personality rationally and collectedly. However, because I DO have manic-depression, and manic-depression is, like either scizophrenia or MPD, or both, a degenerative, terminal mental illness, I can never completely convince anyone in "straight" society that I do not actually suffer from either schizophrenia nor MPD because of my ability to identify within myself the onset of an alternate personality.

I see the benpadiah delusion quite clearly as being who I am, or at the very least a very large part right now of who I am, and I recognise that it is a complete delusion, and that none of it, not even the way I have decorated my room to reflect my delusional pursuit of esoteric research, is truly Real. I accept the fact that I am delusional, that I suffer from bipolar manic-depression, a form of degenerative, terminal mental illness. The last step is simply to put my faith in God, and ask a Higher Power to deliver me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference. This completes the Blue Lodge initiation into the twelve-step self-help programme.

That, then, is who I, Jon Gee, am. That is where I fit in all of this: that I suffer from a delusion that is an important part of my present personality, but one that I recognise as a delusion nonetheless, and which also comprises only one single part of my whole entire personality. That is where benpadiah ends and I begin. And that is all, for now.

-ben

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this information is all © 2005 Jonathan Barlow Gee

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