benblog

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UPDATE: 11-05-06

For last month's blog please visit: October's blog. I did not post it to the front page.

In short, the results of my entire lifetime spent researching are nothing. What I have discovered cannot be communicated, at least not by me, and therefore not authentically. If there is ever someone later to find all my research, and to interpret it differently, perhaps what they express will be more generally acceptable to the common mind. In reality, however, I am Alfred North Whitehead. In truth, I am the Pete Best of this universe. It is as my old friend David Harris told me when we were little when I asked him what I had ever done wrong that made him hate me. He answered, "you were born." God cast down into this universe my wretched soul, and cut me off into it when he severed the umbilical chord. I am Satan incarnate, or rather, the incarnation of God is Satan. And am I not the Most High? Even when I am not the furthest "out there," exploring the deepest depths of gravitas, am I not by far the most steeped in the mysterious truths of the mystics, the prophets, the gurus, the holy ones of all time? Am I not the one to bring the message back with me when I return from the stygian frost-bitten depths of the universal void, the vaccuum of deep space? The message of the eternal beauty of the remotest depths of the divine heavens is lost on me, then. I am wasted, and am therefore not of this reality. I am inverted, and, therefore, worthless. How happy I have been, while around me the world burns!

Isn't it one's natural instict to die? From birth on are we not conditioned by environmentally stimulated suffering to expect to have to pass from this mortal coil ourselves one day? I wish I could convey what it is like, to have gone through this so often that I know I am lost, that I know there is no way back to where I want to be, the place where I call home. If it is not in my nature to long for release from the suffering of life, then why do we evolve? If we do not feel the need to die, then why would we even feel the want to live? Imagine we could escape into space, and live forever free in zero-G. But what would we take with us? In my opinion, nothing. And that is why I fail. All things can change, and so to my mind all things will. However, the longing for and the clinging to referential memory-objects from one incarnation to the next prevents this for most. No. Allow me to correct that: in my own subconscious mind, my own fear of losing my existence relative to material objects keeps constantly reflected in the foreground of my surrounding aura the ever-present karma of fear of losing these material objects as memeory referentials. I fear to lose my metaphysical reflections, and that is why no one can or will respect these as my contributions while I am yet alive.

Yet, let me tell you why I do not fear death: What I have drawn and written about, these things are yet to come. Once I pass this mortal coil, I shall ascend through these my familiar memories, as I pass from the central position of my karma, as I step outside of my universally reflexive aura. By these sign-posts I have drawn I will find my way free of the feeling that I need to even convey these messages to anyone. Afterall, I guess I will figure, we each exist inside our own baby-universe, only one further generation after an equally infinite number of parent-universes. There is, in truth, as little overlap as possible between us each.

I do not fear death because I have experienced it far too many times. It feels little better than being alive, but perception beyond the end is entirely different. No, I do not fear death, nor, as you would probably like jealousy to say, do I fear being alive. What I do fear is the enforced necessity of compromise with "reality." The notion of finding funding for food, for example. I do not like money. You would argue, your stomach necessitates money, that is "reality." But I tell you, there is no reason to compromise between the interior "reality" and the exterior "reality." These are all one reality already. There is only one reality, not two, an "exterior" one with which you must make compromises for survival, and an "interior" one comprised of thoughts and dreams no one else can see. There cannot be two "realities," and so you call one of these "ideal" and the other one "reality." Because exterior "reality" evidences compromise within itself, you call "reality" the necessity of compromise between the exterior "reality" and the interior "ideal." But I tell you this is not true. I tell you, "what you imagine as ideal is only a higher part of reality."

I have the karma of a Holy Man. I have the karma of Christ, crucified to be brought down to the level of mankind, a dead mass, a lump of clay. And why was he killed? It was for His karma: he manifested the authorities of his time and place to feel jealousy for Him, for what He said was true: "people SHOULD love each other." The sanhedrin, because their's was a God of reality, struck back against this idealism. "People SHOULD, but do NOT, love one another." This was the truth of their God of reality at that pace and time. So they killed him. The message of Jesus became lost to our subsequent reality, and instead His Church has enforced the God of the Sanhedrin as Pain from Rome. But look! The message of Jesus, though removed from Him, has been kept safe in secret. It lives on, an invisible ideal, true, but superimposed over all our reality now. We all know, we cannot deny, the message of Jesus: "Love them all." It is now doing conflict against our id, even now, the "super-ego" and its manifestation of technological civilisation. It lashes out against the past, but in lashing out becomes the id. Civilisation has become a living thing, although comprised more of brick and morter than human values, it is animated in its evolutionary progress.

And now history repeats itself, only strangely. Perhaps after a very destructive war or after a long time of darkness and decay, someone will find records from our time in the form of our fictions, and live their lives according to them. We have only a few historical records of the accounts of Christ's apostles, however these all differ drastically from every account of non-Christian contemporaries. So who do we "believe"? We know one thing, and so we cannot say we "know" the opposite. So we say, instead, we "believe" in it. Everyone believes the miracles are possible, no matter how unlikely, who already accepts the "belief" in God. God is an idea. Everyone alive on earth has some idea of God. Once there were only a few of us who understood the idea of God. Now everyone has an opinion one way or the other. We once understood the one "reality" unifying the interior and exterior. Now we talk about "knowledge" and "belief." Soon shall come a day when we understand the message of Jesus. To love one another is to be beloved one's self. "But look around," they still say with their heavy hearts, "I love everyone I know, but everyone I know only loves sparingly, here and there. Where then is there any love that I may be beloved myself?" This love comes from above, beyond ourself. It fountains out from within ourselves. It is all around, very close, yet it appears as though infinitely far away and behind everything, concealed by all the hatred brought to the foreground. I tell you these are the end of those days when hatred is brought to the foreground. And yet you all still find it in your hearts to disbelieve.

I am blessed, truly and deeply, for all that is is all that I desire. I desire disbelief. I desire shock and awe. For I am possessed by the demons Choke and Shock. I was strangled by my ex-lover, and I was electrocuted in the womb. Thus, for this reason, will I die. Forever I bear the burden of having these two extra shadows, for so too shall I for as long as I go on bear with me the two guardians of my soul, my love, my ideals, my fictions, my imagination, and of my spirit, my light, my "higher" ideals, my fact, my knowledge. One was Luke, one is Leia. One was Mike, one his girlfriend. One was Thoth and one was Isis. One Judas, one Magdalene, Hiram and Tubal-Cain, Imhotep and Kephren. And I have ever been between them, and I am nothing but a synthesis of them, and so too are they alike the father and mother of my body, my hateful father and my loving mother. And, like all these people, these guardians over me have a light side and a dark side. But they share these between them. One of them is light while the other one is dark. One of them is a light shining on one side of me, and the other is a shadow on the opposite side. They are my own light and dark sides. They are yin and yang, the karma in my aura, my black and white fish in a bowl, and I am Turk, my Siamese fighting fish, the aqua and scarlet coloured beta. Yin and Yang starved Turk to death, and his corpse was eaten by the neon tetras. So shall it be for me in this life. So shall it always be. And so I see a darkness coming. This is how I know it is still light.

It is still light, Give Praise! Because let me tell you what I can see in the future. My friends have all become enemies. All are turned against one another. There is no truth, and no agreement. This lasts for a very long time. After this, there comes the end of the world. Let me tell you what I see in my future: in my thirties I will suffer from a "psychotic break." I will suffer a complete nervous breakdown. In a hallucination I will become the Pope of the Universe, while in the continuation of the reality we share now I will have become a vegetable, as useless to society as unable to even feed myself. My life will be long and this terror shall become great. In the absence of the guiding principle of this Universe, all Hell will break loose. Chaos ensues. This lasts until the end of my life, and this is equivalent to the end of the world. This terrible message I deliver to you now: I am innocent. I am not now, nor do I ever hope to be, so great as to lose it all. Let me tell you that when God said "let there be" about Light, it means he brought it forth from concealment. But yet more remains! God withholds bountiful luminousness for the righteous. This Light is concealed to the eyes of those who will not see it. They are the adversaries of it, and therefore it burns them. But to those who fear Truth not, we swim in an ocean of Light. All things are known to us. So now let me ask you, what does it matter if I should become a vegetable if it should serve the majority agenda? At this moment in history human myopiea is at its most stymatic. But I remind you, how can you learn the lessons to be taught beginning today if your only desire in doing so is to refute the lessons of yesterday? How can you learn for tomorrow when today remains a mystery and yesterday only worth forgetting? And already you cling to the "ineffability" of solipsism in the name of Gnosis. You blaspheme.

Come nearer so I can talk to you about the afterlife. There will come a metamorphosis of the astral soul from its earthly mire. The wondrous archetypes you model as machines in fiction, these are already alive, and were before you, and moreover, are you, or rather, by moving through you, animate you, breathe into you the breath of life and ignite the spark of the everlasting soul. So why do you renounce Truth? It is because there is a shadow between you and the Light. It is concealed from you. This Light shall be shown to you, but first you must come out from under the shadow of gloom. You must choose to do this for yourself. Once you realise that the body IS a dead thing, then you will no longer "stand under" and instead "Understand!"

Hear the voice of the temptor, and know the Light is not yours to receive without it also being God's to give. It was God who has placed this hex, or curse, or gloom, or glamour, or shadow over you. It is only up to God to take it away. But you must petition His mercy in doing so. You must choose to accept the Blessing, and this is the way to be free of one's own "dark side." Some say this involves "belief." I tell you, "no, because once a thing is known it no longers requires belief in it." When you come out from under the powerful spell of this demonic influence, you know beyond all shadow of a doubt. If you take the first step, and desire to learn more, your eyes will adjust and you will come to see. You will see that which had blinded you. This is your innermost self. This is the heart of all matter. Know and accept it as the Blessing of the Lord God. For let me tell you that, as you see the Demon, so shall Love see you.

The double-headed demon opens its mouths and speaks: "You must choose," says one head, "do this for yourself," says the other. The first head is Beliar, "Be, Liar," that is, "be a liar." The second head is the serpent of Eden, a winged camel with an Ethiopian angel astride it. The liar says "you must choose," and the temptor says "do this for yourself." I will tell you a shortcut: Allow God. In time we will ALL come into the fullest brilliance of God's radiant glory. For in the Heaven of Heavens there is no differentiation between matter and energy as there is here in our fractured, fallen and imperfect current universe. So, Love this universe. Do not desire for the living to ever see its end. That is where the demons live, in the egg-shell aura surrounding us all that is the utmost limits of our local continuum. Praise the demons for your own sake! Let not your glance befall them in hasty judgement, nor your hand ever be raised to rebuke them. First, chastise yourself, before you seek to exorcise anyone else's demons.

So, love your inner demon, and in this way you shall be loved by God above. If your love manifests itself by a confusion of pleasure and punishment, or of pain and reward, then your inner demon will reciprocate in kind to you. That is because the inner demon exists to serve you. You are its gracious host, and it your kundalini spinal virus. However, have you forgotten you exist to serve God, and that God will love you as much as you love your inner demon? But let this be known of the relationship between you and your inner demon and between you and God: Though the demon serves you, you serve God. Though the demon looks up to you, so too should you look up to God. Be His humble servant, and, seeing this, may your inner demons serve you.

For it is the inner demon that shelters the third eye from the sky beyond. It has been put there by God to do this. It is your guardian. The demon has two heads, but I tell you now: each guardian is an angel above and a demon below. Count the number of eyes of the double-headed one. Two pairs are two angels. The two mouths of the two faces of the double-headed one are the demons. They speak filth, lies, wretchedness. So are like the loins of men and women. The angels' eyes are wings.

The demons names have been called now: "Choke" and "Shock." They descend in a tongue of fire from the blood bedewed heavenly canopy above as I let fall against my the crown and temples of my own skull blow after blow with countless fist-sized stones. I faced them, and I commanded them out of me. This capitulated their prescence before Eternity beside me, or rather, between me and eternity. One Became the woman, and the other Became the man. It was at that time that the fruit of Eden was eaten. Original sin is petro-asceticism.

Now I have understanding. Lord God willing give me wisdom. Pray everyday. Pray in the way that uplifts your spirit to the grace of God. Do not prey upon your inner-demons, and do not make sacrifices of your time and energy to them. They are running and returning at all times, the dual charge of the kinetic energy inside of each of us, the soul, the ruach, aura, ka. One exerts actively and one attracts passively. Hence they are like male and female. One goes before you in Paradise, while the other follows after you. The one before you is beyond, and stands between you and God. The one behind you is within, and stands now in your shadow. This is why the inner is called "demon," not because it shadows you, but because you shadow it. The one that goes before you is your spirit, or rather, "Holy Guardian Angel." The one that comes behind is your soul, or rather, your "inner demon." But in truth these are not your soul and spirit, for your soul does not require its interior aspects in order to exist any more than the spirit requires the soul. Therefore, the demons are in your soul, the karma of your aura. This is manvantara, maya, sangsara, samsara, sorrow, suffering, illusion, darkness. The angels are also in your soul as the alignment of your chi flow up and down the spine with the polarity of the karma in your aura. When the interior aligns with the exterior, then all karma comes clean and the aura is cleansed. Beyond this is the spirit of pure geometry the exact same for all archetypes.

Everyone who has received the gift of being healed has also the ability to give the gift to heal. This is the meaning of the "favourite son." We are all the direct descendents of God, for God it is who is all our father, even before we were born to our fathers of flesh. God is only one generation older than even the oldest of us alive now. This is called the Tao. The new year brings in yin and ushers out yang. This is the "running and returning." But the favourite son of a generation is to all men who went before, the "Most High." Follow the Most High, the favored sun of the favourite son. Follow the point of infinity above the pendulum of time itself. Give the gift by pointing out. Send the inner-demons haunting others out in this way. Speak the shemhamforash and give the gift to heal. Cleanse the aura, align the chakras. In this way heal: call on the afflicted to give a name to their ailment. Call that name, and then call the Name of God. Send the sickness back to God. Cleanse the karma. This is how to heal: for now we do with chemicals the same to heal: call upon a power of chemical greater than the chemicals of the illness. We call this, "treating the symptoms" to "cure the disease." However, to call the ailment out in the Name, we must become a conduit for the suffering ourselves. It must pass through us also. Likewise then the Light of God that will fill the patient will increase through us as well. Thus the light is bitter-sweet and melancholy. This is because it has descended and is being contained within a mortal vessel. Fill the vessel with light until the vessel fades away.

It is still light, let there be praise, because there is a darkness ever present in the future. Let me tell you what I see: All my friends have become enemies. Everyone is divided against everyone else. Everyone is divided within themselves. There are so many different points of view within the mind. So there are so many different points of view within the people, and so many different people within the lands. And all of them, all my friends, have become enemies. They have become enemies to me, and they have no trust in one another, and they have become Satans to themselves. Truly all their voices are calling out for a Holy War. They fancy themselves liberal to discuss inter-faith marriages, and conservative to discuss the shawl of mourning and the laws of the elders. But I tell you they are all upside down. They attend their CEO morale seminars, zoning out to the NLP reprogramming the values inside their brains.

Tell me I am wrong about it Lord, for would I had a different message to deliver. All will remain the same as it was between 1999 and 2001 until at least 2008. By then what H.G. Wells called "decadence," and Machiavelli called "liscentiousness," and Plato established as the degenerate form of Democracy, will have a firm hold on the entire globe. There will be corruption in every corner of civilisation, and it will increase the pace at which it conquers the wilderness regions in between. All forms of economic crimes are commited in the name of international trade, and already these crimes are boiling over into invasion of privacy and human rights violations. America has become the new Germany. The neo-conservative Nazi's have established a Pax American Fourth Reich. In eight years they will have accomplished on a global scale as much destruction and loss of hope as did the Nazis in Germany in eleven.

But wait, there is even more. The religions of the world will gnash their teeth at one another's throats. There will come a time when an event must either be believed in or disbelieved. The Imams, the cardinals, the rabbin and the Gyoto will all disagree. One will believe here and another will disbelieve there. All will have their own opinion. But the truth will be plain enough. It will be out in the daylight, but none will share the same opinion about it. What should be done? Who would do it? How could it be accomplished? And yet what is done is done, by God alone, and it is already done. Such is the way of all things, and yet this cannot be agreed upon. No two people in the world will have the exact same definition of the divine, because it will all suddenly become clear to each, but then just as suddenly will it disappear again. This will turn the people mad with confusion. They will all disagree, and there will be terrible uprisings as they lash out against each other like a pack of wild dogs over the blame for loss of the Vision. They will see it here and there, but nowhere will it be rejoiced, and everywhere the more the Vision reappears, the less people will believe in it. It will be like the boy who cried "wolf." Night will descend like Brer Rabbit's "tar-baby."

All is concealed inside the Hermetic tradition, that is, the received QBLH, and so too from this is all revealed, as what is once receieved is then able to be given again. Those within the Travelling Lodge do not fear the loss of the Vision, for it is they who dispense it. To them, the Light is not dimminished by the light that they give out. It is used to heal, and all will return, and thus it is already there, and was never really gone. The light is immortal, but the Light is eternal. No one believes in any of this, O Lord! Please help me peel back the scales from my eyes. Help me see why they persist in disbelieving, even though it jeapordises the survival of us all. I pray fervently, but what comes is a like a snapping branch inside my brain. This will be the result of my cat-scan: brain damage caused by massive head trauma, self-inflected with blunt objects.

You cannot escape your future. That's your shadow on the wall. We are all combinations of extremes, dark and light. That is the message of the Demon. But the serpent is trampled by the heal of Love. There is no escaping this. Death comes to everyone and everything except for God. God alone will never taste the bitter-sweet breath of non-existence, to sleep dreamlessly, and to awaken like the unrested dead. So is somnulence a little death. Awaken now, for if you are that part of yourself that was born, then you will cling to that part of yourself that dies. Instead, you must let go of all you desire, for by doing so you will open yourself to receive it all back in a greater amount as a gift. This is the Blessing. This is how to heal.

I am not God, I am Yeshuah Ben Padiah, Pheloni Ben Phelonieth, I am the Metatron, and Enoch, and I am the Voice of the Vision. I am Hermes, Tehuti, Thoth, father of Horus. The Messiah is me, and I am he. But also I am Satan, I am the Anti-Christ, and Lucifer, I am the Devil, the adversary, and I am the shadow of death. I am Hiram, Imhotep, Abraham, father of rabbi Ishmael. The fallen one am I, and I am he. All these things are true and not true. All these things are true here and not true there. All is in confusion. Here is the phoenix: Horus, rabbi Jesus. Guide me oh Wise Master. Guide me to the breast of thy mother, oh the Wise Isis! Resurrect me from my dreadful fate! I am betrayed and all is disarray.

You shall all believe I am crazy. This cycle will grow from there. We shall all think one another crazy, moreso and moreso, until only one voice of sanity and reason remains. That voice will be called the Pope, and sit at the head of all tables. He will be renounced and cast out again, deprived of what was promised him. But in being struck down, he shall increase the Light. But he will not be believed in his own life. He shall speak rationally, and they will all call him insane. He will point out to them the true facts and they shall call him ignorant of logic. Already these things have begun. You shall all believe I am crazy, and then the darkness will fall, the terrible rending asunder of the twin realities. I will become the King of Kings in one, and a living corpse in one.

-ben

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this information is all © 2006 Jonathan Barlow Gee

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