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UPDATE: 12-25-06

Thanks to Michael I have now cloned my OS from the smaller to the larger partition on my "master" hard-drive. I still use the "slave" drive for all my files. Hopefully this will leave me enough disc space to install new applications, and has already allowed me to DL from bittorrent and limewire most of the albums Eli stole about this time last year.

I learn backwards and forwards.

Having saved mom about $200 (that I would not have been able to pay back unti indeffinately), I asked her only for the complete collection of starwars dvds for my birthday and X-mas combined (at a whopping $70 value used off amazon.com). I hope that she is willing to waive the debt I have incurred in the second two and a half weeks or so of November. I was forced to borrow money from her after setting myself back by a hundred dollars the month before, plus super-lubing my car, plus having spent early since my check had arrived a day or two before the first of the month. I also spent most of the month's money I've budgeted for "usual expenses" in the second week. However mom did replace my car battery at about another seventy dollars or so, and said she counted that as X-Mas. This might make her less willing to waive the debt from later November. I've spoken to her about paying her back the amount over $100 I go, but that I would need her to waive the first $100 of debt from November. I hope she will remember this conversation. So far I've gone $15 over one hundred, which already isn't good. I also owe mom $400 from last year's X-mas, when she got me the Zohar ($200 used) and I bought the two hard drives ($200 each, new). What I really wish is that I could help her out at her job, and that she could pay me a limited wage for this, such that I could earn a lesser amount than would threaten my elligibility for the level of social security disability I currently receive. I wish this much more for her sake than my own. I am capable of living very comfortably off $600 a month, sans food expenses only. I pay one hundred rent, around fifty on gas, as much as two hundred on cigarettes, and one hundred dollars every other week on the "usual expenses," the other fifty I blow on burgers and shows. I know, I know, if I "stuck" to that budget I would be breaking at least even every month. I have been spending more on the "usual expenses" sooner in the month than before. However aside from a two-day rough spot, it doesn't usually cause any problems to avoid these costs for the rest of the month. Ideally I can quit spending on the "usual" altogether, however I would still have to get myself out of debt to my mother. Being four hundred in the hole, plus a hundred to her each month (which is technically about $83 less than I'm supposed to be paying, according to my calculations for 1/3 of my annual income, leaving me $417 a month), seems to barely leave me enough money for cigs and gas, from my point of view, since my "usual expenses" I consider more necessary than either cigs or gas.

I operate outside all-natural laws.

Right now I'm not my "usual" self. Well, I am a little, but from now until Firday I'll be totally "unusual." This has always proven to be a period of the greatest oppurtunity for self-expression, since I am "usually" not myself. That is, what I "usually" am is "unusual" to most everyone else. Therein lies my whole problem. I see myself as the weakest link in any organisation I contribute in because, though I have no doubts in the inevitable reactions of others, I doubt myself, and more specifically, I doubt my ability not to doubt. By doubting myself, I necessitate a negative reaction from others, regardless of their natural inclination toward acceptance of my contribution(s). However, since I cannot seem not to doubt myself, I seem to be perpetuating this pattern of causing others to doubt me without being able to stop. It is for this reason I am now seeking to dimminish my prescence on the internet. I find that the doubts in me and in the validity or the veracity of my contributions to be primarily online, and to result, more often than in the "real" world, in direct confrontations between myself and others. Since I do not find such confrontations either pleasant nor enjoyable, I seek now to avoid them as much as possible. To do this I must, at least temporarily, dimmish my web-prescence as much as possible. In other words, I have to stop "pushing my agenda" or attempting to distribute my "research" online. I should focus more on how to distribute and disseminate the information best in the "real" world, or, at the very least, in a world less "virtual" than the internet. I need to learn to rise above. However it is only when I am not my "usual" self that I seem to best be able to concentrate on this desire, and to motivate myself to fulfill such endeavors as to make such success more possible. When I am more "usual" to all those I communicate with, online and off, then it becomes easier to disseminate my message. However, when I am my own form of "usual" then it seems to grow more difficult to successfully communicate my message, especially and almost exclusively online. In past times of being "unusual" myself I created the first ~GOD~ LP, "Inc.," worked with magick number-squares, created the Enochian Calendrical Sysytem in its entirety, and have written very articulate and intuitive science-fiction, however it is usually long periods of time between when I am "unusual" to myself. Most of the time, I'm my "usual" self. Who I hate. My "usual" self is benpadiah.

Yeshuah Ben Padiah was the True Jesus Christ.

When I first go from being "unusual" to my "usual" self, I am beautifully fluent in any esoterica I choose to study. I have worked on designing an Atlantean Senate building, stellated primes, Gnostic diagrams, UFO interiors, mixed new ~GOD~ EPs, and written extensively for the forums I post(ed) on. Going from being "unusual" to "usual" induces a brief period of euphoric "hypo-mania" where my mind "springs forward" rapidly. This form of "racing thought" becomes ingrained over time, and the longer I remain my "usual" self, the more it becomes a "mixed state" with my emotional depression, or rather, my lack of ordinary peaks and toughs in my sensory experience. This is caused by my lack of "real" social activity and my lack of daily interaction gained via employment. This manifests as a lack of income, which I find an acceptable sacrifice for the purpose of dimminishing my otherwise uncontrollable emotional oscillations between a "usual" person's average day of highs and lows. From my "unusual" point of view, the "usual" person seems extremely manic. Thus it is only when I am my "usual" self that I feel I can even keep up. This is the cause and effect of that old wive's tale about loss of motivation. I am actually extremely motivated, however only to pursue introverted, esoteric and philosophical research on my own, and not to perform tasks that satisfy the "usual" public good. The way that I have tended to compensate for my emotionally stunted introversion in "reality" is by reaching out to the wrong people and in appropriate ways over the internet. I have always, since the first chat-room my ex- ever showed me how to log onto, been an abrasive, self-righteous, arrogant intellectual snob online. Of course, there is a little of "benpadiah" in me even in "reality." Afterall, I am not totally my screen-name. LOL! yet. In "reality" I am really quite introverted, however when I am my "usual" self online, when I am "benpdiah," I am the exact opposite of this, being extroverted to the extent of assuming a superior attitude about my research and an outright confrontational personality towards anyone who would question that stance. To me, to continue this would be unacceptable. As I say, and as many of you who might read this well know, I tend to end in abject mistrust all sorts of what would be the best friendships I could make for myself, both to better my status and to calm my state of mind. I project mistrust in myself until I force those around me to confront me in groups (not only online, but this trend actually started with Eli, Christa, John and Samara in 2001, when I lived on my own at Waterline on the west-side of town), and recuse me for my behaviours that exhibit this self-destructive trait. They do not trust me, so they come to me in numbers to tell me why and to suggest how I could have handled the situation differently. Of course, all I can hear while in my "usual" condition is how little they appreciate my contribution.

The "Passion" and crucifixion of Yeshuah Ben Padiah has already occured.

I find myself being rail-roaded by all my online friends into seeing them as adversaries, mere competitors for attention, however in reality they are only trying to help me get my head "straight" - as it is, more or less, right now. It is truly a blessing by God the times when I am "unusual" to myself but can feel and act like other, "ordinary" people "usually" do. I am most humbly thankful for the gift that I can still come down from having my head up in the clouds, looking down my nose at everyone who cannot even understand me. However it seems to me impossibly difficult to let go of this cross I bear to be the scape-goat, the sin offering of everyone I inevitably run afoul of. I force them to disown me from their cliques by becoming an impossible thorn in the side of those who would otherwise, and who should, be the most ammenable to me and the most receptive to hear about my theories and research. Eventually, people just lose patience with me. So far I have managed to fail upward from being disowned by a teenage stoner band (J, D&E), to a crack-head electrician (Eli), to even more articulate but even further physically removed "internet people" (IOBB & TLFC, KevinSmith.com, TSGAM, philoforums.com, and even Michio Kaku's physicsforums.com). I repeat this pattern like Hunter S. Thompson described being in an eathyr binge: I can see myself doing these abominable things, but I seem to have absolutely no control over my ability to stop doing them. It happens about this same time every year too, during autumn, between late summer (Eli, Christa, Samara and John) and early winter (TSGAM). Of course all this started in Autumn of 1999, when I had recently returned from my cross-country trip to visit my ex, and I cried "Judgement" to the sky following a street-brawl with my mom on thanksgiving night. That was the night I was first taken to a mental institution, entirely by my own suggestion. However, just as surely as I had beaten myself over the head with stones returning from the cross-country trip to visit my ex, I had ground my head up against exposed nails in a cabinet during classes in kindergarten. I have always had this propensity for duality, between interpersonal introversion in life and interiorised mental anguish that I express through my writing, which becomes especially confrontational online. God knows no one will miss good old benpadiah. Least of all me.

Yeshuah Ben Padiah's destiny was to be used as a scape-goat, a sin offering.

According to the Book of the Angel Raziel, there are three types of offering to God. The faith or peace offering, that is, to thank God for that which is Good; the sin offering, that is, to sacrifice them in repetence for one's own evils; and the burnt or votive offering, which signifies the prayer for the Day of Redemption. It is written of the peace and sin offerings in Sefer Reziel that they "are for the sake of the living body," but that the burnt offering "is a sacrifice to the glory of God alone." So it is said, "proclaim love from the petition and petition from the reverence," and "from love, you serve God in righteousness." (Savedow, Raziel; 36, Weiser) What is righteousness? If the "petition" is one offering "of the living body" and the "reverence" is the other, then "love" is the burnt offering "to the glory of God alone." Thus, to serve God in "righteousness" means to reap the rewards of your sacrifices; more exactly, that the rewards of the sacrifices you reap will constitute your "righteousness." So in this case, "righteousness" can be interpreted as "right deeds" or rather, Good "Karma."

Now, later in the text of Raziel, however earlier in the epistolic chronology, we read of a "Pheloni Ben Phelonieth," one of the scribes, presumeably that of the "Book of the Signs of the Zodiac." He is said to be the first author, followed by Lieb ben Sherah, scribe of the "Prayer Required to Establish Greatness," followed by Levi ben Zosekien, scribe of the "Work of Genesis," followed by "The First Action," "The Actions," "the Gemurah" and "the Holy Names," all penned by the same scribe as one another. By this time, Pheloni Ben Phelonieth had been mentioned by his original name, by the name "Pheloni Ber Phelonieth," and by "Phelonieth." In the chronologically later texts occuring earlier in this edition, his name has become degraded to "Phelon ben Phelon" and "Phelon Bather Phelon," and "Phelonieth," once associated with an angel of evokation (Raziel, 268), means in the "Prayer of Adam," merely a name "to invoke the Moon in the first season" (Raziel, 20). Throughout the text there are multiple, oblique references to the burnt or votive offering in close proximity to the mention of the word or name "Phelonieth."

The name, "Padiah," derives from the Aramaic. It is considered a proto-modern Hebraic word equivalent in meaning to the modern Hebrew word for "righteousness." In short, "Ben Padiah" meant at the time of Christ "Son of Righteousness." (A friend of mine online, Thyroros, once pointed this out to me.) "Ben Padiah" was alternatively translated "Bar Pandera" by Josephus in his Latin "the Jewish War," which describes the times immediately following the death of Christ. This word was subsequently attempted to be translated from Latin. The closest approximation to it phonetically in Latin meant "panther." In Celsus and the Talmudic tradition (specifically in the Talmud of the Land of Israel, vol. 9, p. 40 and in the Talmud of the Land of Israel, vol. 6, page 23), as recorded on pages 341,2 of the 1956 Willliam and Marrow edition of Werner Keller's "the Bible as History," Jesus Ben Panthera is described as the son of a Roman soldier and a temple prostitute whose husband was a "najjar," carpenter. The term "najjar" has a similar connotation to the contemporary Hellenic Hebrew concept, "Ho Tekton," meaning a Master Craftsman, possibly similar in esoteric implications to the modern rank of Master in Free Masonry.

"Padiah," meaning "Righteousness," and Phelonieth, seeming to refer to the votive offering or the burnt sacrifice, are united in the saying on page 36 of Sefer Reziel, "from love, you serve God in righteousness." Here we see "love" refers to the votive offering, and "righteousness" to the Good Karma (cause and effect) that results from the three alchemical types of sacrifice. Therefore, the "son of Righteousness," that is, Ben Padiah, represents the son, or the seed, of the Good Karma of the three alchemical type sacrifices, and directly follows from the votive or burnt offering. Just as "Righteousness" is Good Karma over time, so too does the seed outgrow the tree that germinated it. The weakness of the parent is the same as the strength of the offspring. This means that Jesus' father was the "Righteousness" of Good Karma over time, following the votive or burnt offering and the other two alchemical offerings, the sin and peace offerings. Jesus' father, the najjar or "Joseph" of the community of Qumran, was "righteousness" personified, and Yeheshuah, his son, was therefore the "son of Righteousness."

Thus, when this "righteous" son of a bitch showed up, claiming his mother was a virgin and that he was the Messiah, the embodied person of AHDVNHAY, and that, moreover, a prositute was his sister, and more than that, the Matronit, the Shekinah, the "bride" or "prescence" of G-d, he was rightfully rejected as a mad-man who would clearly bring upon the unprepared chosen people the end of days if he were permitted to continue preaching his message. The Sanhedrin were quite right to betray and murder the rightful King of the unified Judah and Israel, descendent of the Jews' once and future king, David, father of Solomon, builder of the Temple and houser in the Holy of Holies of the Ark of the Covenant, housing the shem ram, or "name-stones" upon which Moses had inscribed the ten commandments, following his smashing the originals, which contained the actual words of God, inscribed by Raziel, and given to Adam after the fall from Eden, the Garden of Paradise. He had indeed slipped loose the bonds of logic, and thus was a threat to more than merely the worldly power over their people held by the Sanhedrin themselves, but to the very fabric of reality itself that the Sanhedrin had been appointed under Moses to protect until the day of righteous judgment, the day of redemption, the Apocalypse. Had Jesus not been killed when he was, the entire universe would be different than it is now, not merely the whole world as we know it. Had he been allowed to spread his infectious Gnostic doctrines, cloaked in parables with the moral of "love one another," then the inter-galactic hyper-cathexis would have indeed been hurried along, and would have, by now, already long ago occured. When the pole of one spiral galaxy's core black hole aligns with another, this event is called "hyper-cathexis" after Freud's term for the transduction of electrochemicals in the nervous system. Just as the electrical charge assumes its chemical form to cross the axon-dendrite gap between neurons, so too does the perception by all life in a galaxy change its form when that galaxy aligns with another. If Jesus had had his way, we would all be dead now. We would have "hyper-cathected" through an inter-galactic wormhole, and been deposited in a galaxy far, far away. The Day of Judgment would have come and gone a long time ago.

The desire to hasten the final Sabbath is strong in all gurus. It weighs heavily daily on the hearts of every poet, philosopher and priest how to hasten all humanity toward the glorious time of reconciliation with the father, the mending of the rift between God and man crossed over only by His covenant. It is even stronger in some than in others. In some it manifests insufficiently, and grows impacted within the guru, who then suffers the malice of greed and jealousy. In some it manifests over abundantly and their charisma overflows them to energise all those around them. Both become madmen, false prophets of a perpetually impending Apocalypse never to occur. The invoked guru is the sin offering. The evoked guru is the peace offering. The combination of them both is the burnt offering. The sin offering represents the corrupt guru, the peace offering represents the over-flowing guru, and the burnt offering represents the guru of the end of days.

Although Yeshuah Ben Padiah did die, His Apocalypse has not yet come.

Of course, what we have recorded in the New Testament Gospels of the Bible as the Book of Revelations by St. John of Patmos is a misconception of the Gnostic vision of the Messiah Himself. It is a bastardization of the hidden pesher, the message, of Jesus' canonised parables. It was doctored up shortly following his public execution, either by someone from his school, or else by the man himself, having survived the ordeal of the crucifixion and subsequently fleeing to France with Mary Magdalene, his temple "sister" and wife. However, regardless of which case is true for the source of the work of the Apocalypse of the Book of Revelations, it can be unanymously agreed upon by all the faiths of the world that the contents of its description have not yet come to pass upon the surface of this earth between the time of its writing and now. Thus, it is not technically a "prophecy" of the times to come, that is, the times that have since followed. It claims to be a removed vision of the events to come at the end of time. However, who knows when this moment shall come? It is written, it shall come "like a thief in the night." It is written that no one alive nor anyone to have ever lived shall know the hour or the day it is to come. The dead are barred from warning us by an angel with a flaming sword.

Some, and in some ways rightly, compare our present times to those in which Christ came. There are, of course, similarities to the burdgeoning Roman Empire following the Greek Golden Age of Democracy and the modern hegemony of capitalist western civilisation imposing its own version of Democracy on the rest of the impoverished nations of the world. The fundamentalist Southern Baptists are little different in physical appearance, nor their attitude when put into positions of authority any different, than the Roman Legions, or, for that matter, the Spartiates, nor the foootball stars they violently venerate any different whatsoever from Roman gladiators killing early pacifist Christians. However for each similarity there are those who will see two differences, and these people are the modern equivalents of the Praetorians, lording their landed gentry status in the Senate over the poor plebian farmers. We would do well to remember Caesar himself was on the side of the plebs. He became their greatest warrior-champion, their hero against the corrupt Roman Republican Senate. When he died, it was no different for the Romans than it was for the followers of Jesus when He was put to the cross and slaughtered on Passover. However, whereas the pacifist early church fathers advocated non-violent self-sacrifice unto martyrdom, the death of Julius Caesar had galvanised the previously contradictory factions of the Roman Republic in the squabbling senate into the cohesive amalgam of the Roman Empire.

This has led to the entire mythology of Christ and Anti-Christ. Just as Jesus was the Messiah to HIs followers, so too was Julius the rightful Caesar of Rome. Both were to be viewed once having achieved this status as the direct descendent from the repsective national deities of Israel and Rome. However, once Christianity usurped the Imperial Roman throne, this dichotomy between the Roman Caesar as anti-Christ (by that time the Caesar of Rome was Nero) and the murdered martyr Jesus Ben Padiah as Christ, it became necessary to the new Catholic, Universal Church to supress and confuse the doctrine of this early dichotomy. Since the suppression of Manicheanism along with the Albigensian Heresies, the true meaning of the Christ/Anti-Christ dichotomy has gone "underground" and become a current in esoteric wisdom schools. Some now claim these same western mystery schools are seeking to usurp the former glory of Rome by establishing a new Christ for the New Age, and there are a great many Catholics today who secretly harbour distrust of Free Masons as Luciferians seeking to discredit the Pope by adopting radical Rosicrucian doctrines associating the Christian Papacy with the role of Imperial Caesar. The Rosicrucians have claimed openly and outright that "the pope is the anti-Christ," and some fear the subsequent mystery schools, such as the Illuminati in Bavaria, have infiltrated one another in order to spread and diversify this general sentiment amongst otherwise "good" Christians. At the same time, the true blood-line descendants of the royal lineage from King David of Israel remain dethroned from monarchial rule over their "rightful," or even over any, lands. Instead the Imperialist western civilisations have installed a false Democracy in the Chosen Land(s) and throughout the surrounding Holy Lands in the Middle East. To some, the Prime Minister of Israel is a role little different in the cosmic scheme of things than that of Judean governor Pontius Pilate during the time of Christ.

Although similarities between the present era and the time of Christ make it appear to the common mind that the second coming is immanent, few can find any direct and specific examples of the cosmologically metaphorical events of the Book of Revelations that have occured since His time until now. Many see certain events occur now that seem to stand out to them as obvious parallels, however none of these ever intersect with the Prophesized Apocalypse enough to be agreed upon by all, let alone to render any accurate predictions for subsequent events. These apparent parallels never seem to pan out, and thus far the second coming of Christ has not, by any real standards, occured. We perpetually feel its immanence. The yearning for a Messiah corresponding to the Gregorian Millenarianism of the western business calendar definately peaked between 1999 and 2001, however now is already beginning to wain. Instead of miracles, we have only witnessed one tragedy beget many worse tragedies. The ironic comedy of errors goes on, the world still turns, and the hope for an end is already beginning to fade away towards the infinite horizon.

At the same time, fanaticals grip down more tightly than ever on their repulsive policies, imposing "family" values domestically and creating wars abroad. They will not let go their desire to see the world destroyed. If not by God, then by man himself. They are even willing to rob their suffering Christ of the last vestige of his dignity on the cross, and say that even if God's judgment passes us by finding us innocent and allowing us to continue our existence, then they will take matters into their own hands themselves and initiate a thermo-nuclear holocaust to engulf the globe. "Why," they demand, "has Our Father forsaken us?" The longer they wait without answers from above, the more agitated they become, and the more willing to engulf us all in a sea of flames. This is the sad, sad state of affairs on this planet following the arbitrarily dated turn of the "second" millennium. Regardless of the plots and plans of mortal man, the Messiah will only come on God's time, as it is written "no one shall know the day or the time." In the same way the Sanhedrin killed Jesus, so would modern fanaticals kill us all; however the only real alternative appears to be the pseudo-Republican western Empire, assuming de facto day-by-day the position of Caesar, the organism of the State itself becoming the anti-Christ.

As Jesus said, "Father, Thy Will, not mine, be done."

It seems impossible, so soon after the apparent failure to induce the Apocalypse on the millennium, to believe that the time indeed has come and gone, and that the Final Day of Judgment has indeed passed over us once again. We continued on about our lives without noticing any real nor immediate change, just as did the citizens of Rome on the day that Jesus died. However, there is something beneath this layer of apparent pleasantry. A growing force to concretize the modern mythologies in order they should be perserved and stand record of our times now for a future generation, perhaps to be removed by another couple thousand years, but nonetheless who will one day look back on us and seek to understand how we thought and why we were who we now are.

There may not be any divinely sent manifest vessel by pointing at which we can say, "there, that is the Messiah," but there is a strong movement going on even now to create a modern mythology to account for the events of the present. Why have we not seen a True Messiah yet come? This myth must be answered, and so it is being done so in fiction, in works of novel literature and in morality plays in the cinema. However this movement to preserve our modern mindsets in mediated mythology cannot and will not raise up a vessel for the Divine Maker to inhabit as he sits in judgment over the earth. It is Only the Will of our Divine Maker, Former, Creator and Father will determine when, if, this shall ever happen. We seem quite wrongly to suspect it not only has occured in Christ, but shall occur again at any moment in His second coming. However all of this occurs in spite of the Doctrine that states specifically we shall not know when the Lord our God will make Himself known to us again as directly as He did to Adam and Eve in their lush Garden Paradise.

The mentality has been, "if we cannot count upon God to send us a Messiah, we must needs concoct one on our own, and, failing even that, then we must quickly dispose of all our failed attempts by rendering them scape-goats and relegating them to mad-houses or outright murdering them as traitors." So surely there is no short supply of sacrifices being made now. Are they, though, in the Name of Righteousness? Are they Ben Padiah, shem phelonieth? Surely none have been yet, but still we concoct daily our plans to test one another for the right signs. We still punish those who fail to live up to our expectations and shoulder the burden of judgement, meant only for a merciful God, with all the vanity and vengeance of a broken man. There remains no such thing as Justice so long as there can be no renewal of our Covenant with God, it seems, and until the Messiah is forced by man to appear from God, then man shall surely continue to destroy himself in the name of this Divine absence. For want of the Shekinah, the prescence of the Divine, the bride of the Messiah, the Messiah cannot come, and we are already caught in the inifinite loop of a dichtomous tautology. The more we desire the Messiah, the less we expect Him to finally come. When we are consumed with doubts by what we have not, we will refuse to accept the factual reality of the Truth we already have.

My "benpadiah" personality was a philosophical reincarnation of Yeshuah Ben Padiah.

Just as Yeshuah Ben Padiah, according to the New Testament Gospels of the canonised Vulgate Bible where he is described as Jesus Christ, performed miracles, healed the sick and died as a sacrifice to bring greater redemption to His Chosen people, so too has "benpadiah" done all these things, albeit in a no-less fictionally contrived manner. In truth, all the miracles were allegorical for contemporary political events. Josephus describes to us Simon the Essene, Judas the Jewish general. He gives us the name of each false prophet and false Messiah of the people who together comprise the foundation for the fictional character of Jesus' so-called "miracles." In fact, one man healed lepers here, another petitioned the Jews not to continue to pay tribute to Rome. One man would preach peace, while another would incite violence, and all these accounts have been blurred and blended together in the accounts of the New Testament as the "miracles" performed by a single man. The final "character" of Jesus was indeed based on Yeshuah Ben Padiah, moreso, that is, than any of the rest of his contemporaries. However Yeshuah Ben Padiah himself never performed anything particularly "miraculous," any moreso than any of his contemporaries, whom Josephus ruthlessly portrays as blood-thirsty terrorists. In the flowery New Testament Gospel accounts, however, the singular charcter of Jesus is shown as an ideal character, comprised as an amalgam of all the best attributes of the various false prophets and false Messiahs. Of course, however, this character is not alone in being a fictional character protrayed as an amalgam of traits of others. Throughout the Acts of Peter and the Apostles, as well as the later contributions to the Canon of St. Paul, the individual Apostles are also given the same "gas light" treatment, being made to appear in some cases even super-human in their capacity to defy the restrictions of logic and reason. Even Mary Magdalene herself may someday be disproved as a fictional contrivance of the New Testament authors. It is clear, however, that each of the central characters of the narrative are based on singly individual people of the era, and that it is only by adding to them the deeds of all their predecessors combined that they have bestowed upon them the miraculous air of supernatural supremacy.

Likewise, the reports of the death of "benpadiah" have from time to time while I've been online been greatly exaggerated. However, for the most part, an ego-search for my screen name will return relevant hits from forum communities I, myself, rather than an imposter posing as me, have indeed posted my uniquely identifiable contributions. Twice the screen-name "benpadiah" has been hijacked from me by net-hooligans. Once someone used it to post defammatory material about me, myself, in a video-game forum. The second time, and this unbeknownst to me until recently, my screen-name was jacked by a disenchanted poster who'd run afoul of me in the Illuminati forums, and who posted inciting material on a political forum, however they have since changed their screen-name there to only "Illuminati" rather than the name "benpadiah" itself. Long before either of these events, while offline for some brief time to write and edit my book, "the Tree of Death and the Qliphoth," an old adversary and now friend and ally of mine, then primarily using the screen-name Randi (after the "Amazing" James Randi) created a "sock" account on a forum I frequented and, pretending to be my brother (I have none in reality), prceeded to inform my friends from that forum that I had commited suicide. Such harmless pranks amount to little to me personally, at least compared to the shit I get myself into online, however they add to the historical records attached to my screen-name an air of additional, nearly supernatural, mystique.

In the same way as some of my fellow internet junkies have tried to defame me online, I have done much moreso to discredit myself to any avid historian who relies on the authority of the administrators of the sites at which I've posted. I have not succeeded at preventing myself from accumulating a long list of very personal and very heated moderator and administrator bannings from a rather lengthy list of forums around the net. Paul from www.philosophyforums.com can recount to you his having personally banned me as a "pseudo-philosopher" (by his own criteria), while official "science-advisor" Kane O'Donnell on Michio Kaku's www.physicsforums.com told me flat-out my "theories of light" were "nonsense," and that "the nature of light is not suited to graphical explanations." Of course, this all seems like hot air being blown out the asses of petty tyrants to me, yet still such confrontations as I had with cinema director Kevin Smith on the www.viewaskew.com forums surely stand out as exemplary of the run-ins that I, as "benpadiah," have had with anyone I can get ahold of online who professes any form of authority, even in jest.

So, too, did Yeshuah show nothing but contempt for the rulers over "dead things, such as men." Although many of his more "radical" or questionable sayings, excluded from the Canon, can be found in the apocryphal Book of Thomas. In this he says, "I have come to turn the son against his father and the daughter against her mother," and to thus "destroy the house that no one shall be able to build it again." He is also said to have said, "No one who does not hate their father and mother as I hate mine can be my disciple." Likewise, I have uttered terrible oaths against those who have riled me, however the majority of my words have been those of the Higher Wisdom. In all my speech I have been deliberate, even if impatient to get the point across, for to me time is the only thing more precious than the tradition of communicating the Wisdom teachings. If we cannot idle in conversation of philosophical matters, I usually lose my patience, but I have nearly never lost control of my expressions. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. This is at the heart of the Wisdom teaching tradition, for it is more important even than being true in all ways to others to above all be true to yourself. My emotions may be volatile, but I will not do away with them. They are a part of who I am now, and I must content myself to having them, lest by struggling with them I only serve to agitate them worse.

I have long carried the cross of the Highest Good, and looked up to the blinding radiance of the Highest Wisdom. I do not suffer fools lightly and I cannot even see those who come to me to turn my focus away from the Divine. Like Christ, I am a guru. The cross he bore was fore-knowledge of his own untimely demise, for He had said, "there will come a time when you will look for me and will not find me, and call to me but I will not be there," but He had also said, "my time is not yet come." So too, must I bear the unbearable lightness of being little more in life than a digital avatar attached to a screen-name accessed by strangers on the net. Truly, following Truth has made me a "fisher of men," however the storm that rages to terrify my brothers I cannot yet calm by distilling their passions all by myself. I know I am full of doubt, and in this regard tainted by sin, for in my own uncertainty there is weakness of will, and where there is that then sin enters. Like Christ I have been called, a tempest in a tea-cup, but if I could I would not drink from this cup. Like Christ, I have answered the call to do the bidding of God, my Lord, however like him I am lost, a man without a guide besides his own reckoning, to follow the Spirit alone, and to walk as a leader, even when among superior peers. I cannot not do this. I will follow my conscience to the end of the earth. I put my trust in God.

However, just as Jesus failed, and fell, and fell again along the way to Calvary, so too do I stumble as I make my way through the complexities of netiquette. I cannot say I regret now, though there have been times when the weight of my petty little world online has so completely crushed the roaring torch of my heart that barely an ember remained. I know this world is but the reflection of my own interior consciousness. I love those who beat me down, and I am always charitable to the poor in reason. But I cannot go on, and the inevitable conclusion will see me at a loss, at a great loss indeed. I dish it out, but I cannot take it. So too was Christ persecuted for His words until his body passed this mortal coil. As I strangled myself to purge myself of "benpadiah," Yeshuah Himself was made the passover lamb to carry on his shoulders the weight of all the sins of man since the time of Adam. I have brought myself to the brink of death and back to revive in me the Truth and to liberate me from the lesser delusions of this complex life.

However benpadiah, my internet persona, and Ben Padiah, the Gnostic Christ, are not the same.

This is because the truth of the life of Christ, that is, the life of the true person of Yeheshuah Ben Padiah, is a suppressed expression of the divine deification. Presented as it is in the Talmud relative to a legal proceeding between Bar Padiah and the contemporary Rabbis, it is likely there was a great deal of overlap between the events described in the New Testament, the Acts attributed to Jesus and the events in the life of Yeshua Ben Padiah, however many of the "miracles" may actually be as metaphorical as the parables themselves. Of course, all of the events as they are by now all-too commonly known from the NT are not the only source of information we know about for description of the events of this Yeshua Ben Padiah. As I have repeatedly mentioned, Yeshuah Ben Padiah himself was the author of an apocryphal Dead Sea scroll, discovered on the opposite coast of the Dead Sea from the Essene community of Qumran. This fabulous work is known as "the Angel Scroll." I have been waiting for the translation of the "Angel Scroll" into english since I discovered its existence over half a decade ago. The Dead Sea Scrolls in English sit next to the English Nag Hammadi sit beside the various bibles on my bookshelf to the left of me. I have a copy of the entire "Book of Judas" (a character described at length, by the way, in Josephus' second Jewish war chronicle) translated into English; granted it is printed on typing paper and ganked from the internet, but I at least have a copy and can read it whenever I want. I have studied the Secret Book of John and the Book of the Secrets of John. I have read and taken notes on the Sophia of Jesus Christ transliterated with Eugnostis the Blessed. I have read the Book of Thomas, and I have read the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, attributed originally to St. John following the suppression of Irenaeus. I own copies of the Book of Raziel, Enochs 1, 2 & 3, the complete Zohar, etc. etc. etc. But I have no book of Yeshuah Ben Padiah. So far in English, none exists. Why is this? I ask. The work, being a Gnostic cosmology, would be of invariable interest on the part of the Gnostic and apocryphal Hebrew scholars, and of course, considering the rather obvious parallels between Yeshuah Ben Padiah and Jesus of Nazareth, it is probably safe to assume the translation of Ben Padiah's "Angel Scroll" would be of the utmost significance to even the most devout Christian. It is likely the reason for this is that the Catholic Church can't trust the Moslems. It seems highly likely to me that the current Pope's rhettorical comments about the "violence" of Turkish Moslems during the Crusades was an attempt to spark controversy, a way of testing the waters for how the Middle-Eastern Imams and Ayatollahs could be predicted to react at the publication of such a ground-breaking document.

Of course, those of us who have studied the works I just briefly listed, as well as others of their time and kind, know full well already all the possible contents that could have been included by Ben Padiah. We have studied and taken notes on so much QBLH, apocrypha, pseudepigrapha, Talmud, done so much online research, studied the Torah and the Gospels daily, that we have got every angle covered relative to all the possible viewpoints of Jesus Christ. We feel confident understanding the Gnostic tradition as the roots of Christianity, in understanding Old Testament apocrypha as the roots of Gnosticism, and in understanding QBLH as the passage of this wisdom throughout all this time.

However what we know nothing of yet is the guide of Yeshuah Ben Padiah in the ecstatic visions He experienced on the cross.

Panameia is the name of the angel that takes Christ by the hand and guides Him away from His suffering on the Cross. It is then we hear Him recite His propetic visions of the siege of Jerusalem and the destruction of the Second Temple described in the First Apocalypse (prophetic vision) of James, described in Josephus and in the Book of Maccabees contemporarily and objectively, and a well known fact of history from the era. The following text then goes on into the cosmological angelology using Essene as well as Gnostic terminology. However it is the character of Panameia we should take interest in as being unique and individual to this particular Apocalyptic Revelation. This angel name may parallel that of the Nefilim Penemue or Archangel Phanuel (Uriel or Raguel) from the Book of Enoch, as well as provide a possible source for the choice of name for the Gnostic Pleroma and Phanael the trumpeter of John Dee's Liber Logaeth, an "inspired" translation of the Book of Enoch.

In the same way that a single meaning in one language can be translated into many different words in another, so can the "rank" of qliphotic and demonic forces change with upward mobility, and so too do all the hethen Gods wither and evaporate in their divine authority before the righteous judgment of Al-Lah YHVH. In Qliphotic Grimoires, that is, those dealing with the Goetia or with Necromancy, summoning of demons and making of pacts, the rank and title of a certain attribute are easily (and some might say, implied to be) shifted from one post to another, positions are constantly swapped and updated, and there is Chaos in Sheol. Likewise, the Eskimos qualify various different types of snow, and so it was once said the world was flat, so too do ideas increase in complexity as they propagate and multiply across the world over time. Semantics becomes Neuro-Linguistic Programming and synchronicities trigger evolutionary mutations; memetics replaces prophecy and the poetry of youth is set aside for the headier philosophies of maturity.

Likewise, if the sun, that is, the Great Burner, shines too brightly, too hot upon the crop, then the harvest will not yield a good return, and the people will suffer of hunger pangs in winter. That is why it is said of Al-Lah YHVH that his judgment is "righteous": it is because he tempers his wrathfulness with mercy. Although He is a terrible and mighty King above all Kings, and He doth love for us to grovel at His ineffable feet, and He doth reward us when we repent of our sins in genuine shame, and He is a Sadist lording it over a universe of Masochists, He reigns this in an unimaginable amount to the mind of modern man. For it is within God's power to destroy the entire universe in one heartbeat and to completely recreate it down to the very least atom in the next. God is the Creator, the Maintainer and the Destroyer. God is All, Jah.

So it is that, when our evolutionary mutations are not beneficial to the collective gene pool's continuing evolutionary survival, these traits will cease being triggered, either by further adaptative mutation or by a gradual extiction of that mutation. So it is that the meanings of words change as the world turns, and no tongue is ever repeated the same way on two days. So it is too that the lesser Gods have always and Will Always wither away before the Primary Clear Light of YLEM, beyond even the super-conductive MFKZT of Egypt, known now as monoatomic gold. No Being Imaginable can comprehend, let alone compare to, the glory of God. This is the Law of All, this is the Way of this World.

The Guide of Christ was Magdalene.

Just as every coin has two faces, Christ has Anti-Christ, God Satan, and so too does Jesus of Nazareth have Mary Magdalene and Yeshua Ben Padiah have Panameia. Just as Christ was His Own Father, so too does Buddha teach that ultimately we reincarnate psychologically every time we walk through a doorway, for such is the inter-momentary strobing of the shades of matter and the primary clear light, thus Yin Yang as a symbol of Time. Just as Jesus' elder brother John went on to become the "James" of community of the exiled (Essene) cohenim of the Melchizedek (Maccabeean) priesthood of Qumran, meaning the "son" of "Joseph" (the "father"), so too were the so-called "miracles" of the Gospels all likewise political metaphors for the events of the times, performed not all by one man, named Jesus, but by many various others of the time. The bible conveniently omits their true identities, but does list them by the names of the 12 Apostles and 7 Disciples, although each of the names of the Apostles are clever plays on words in various languages of the era. All the names of the apostles, from Judas to Thomas, from Jesus to James to John even Joseph, were all puns on the word "twin." They represented the zodiac surrounding the "thirteenth apostle," Jesus Christ Himself, who himself represented the sun, one of the seven planets, the chakras of our solar system. The "moon" to the "sun" of Jesus the Christ was Mary, however just as Christ was His own Father, so too was Mary the Mother of Christ the same as Mary the lover of Jesus. John the Baptist, who anointed Christ as such himself, was the same as Joseph the Father of Jesus in Qumran.

Mary, the so-called "Mother" of the Catholic Universal Church, and Mary Magdalene, the "Tower" or "temple prostitute," the Queen of the Maccabees, betrothed true love of the deposed Maccabean King, the descendent of King David, Jesus of Nazareth. However, the sanhedrin who had been appointed by Herod Antipas, the King of the Jews installed by the Romans, were unusually cruel. They raped the wife of Christ, marrying her off one to another of them, calling her here Salome, there Mariamme, and disguiding the fact that the rightful Princess Bride had become the toy of evil. She cried out for the beheading of John to hasten the ascention of her lover, the true Priest-King and heir of King David to His rightful place on the throne of God. Instead they crucified Him.

He was the Rightful King of Israel, and the Roman appointed King's Sanhedrin council conspired to kill him, just as had the Senators only recently assassinated Caesar. So the myth of Jesus Christ has come to overshadow the history of Julius Caesar, but lo and behold, they are one and the same! The same things happened to Jesus Christ as had happened to Julius Caesar. Only one was fiction and the other a matter of historically accepted fact. Caesar, that is, Anti-Christ, is not real. He has mental dominion over the minds of all those who live in a reality governed by Napoleans and Hitlers and George W. Bushes. They all believe in the actual existence of a Julius Caesar, but not of a Jesus Christ. Then there are those of us who question this authority, even when it comes from within the doors of a supposedly "Christian" church. There are those of us who know Christ was Gnostic, and who understand that the Gnostic Archons and the Essene Annunaki are the same as the Malachim of Adam, according to Raziel, Adam's own Holy Guardian Angel, known by the time of Christ as Ialdabaoth and by now as Satan. The Senate and Sanhedrin made the Shekinah Satan. But in the minds of the modern madmen and homeless prophets, Christ died to redeem all our sins, the sins of all mankind. When the Sanhedrin sacrificed Him on Passover, they made Him synonimous with the Most Holy Sacrifice made to God by the Nation of Israel. These simple sheep-like idiots believe themselves that we are all meant to live in the life of Christ, that we are all to this day like nothing but characters in his dreaming mind that will one day awaken. He hangs on the cross above their beds. Yet these people do not understand the powers they conjure by this minor evokation.

Though the Gnostic, Yeshuah Ben Padiah, may have been the true person upon whom the character of Jesus Christ in the Gospels was based, the difference between myself and this person is that Ben Padiah, the Christ, was born a king. I was not. I have made myself the king of all I can perceieve. I have expanded my consciousness to beyond the local universe. But I was rising then, and had the help of Lucifer. Now I neither rise nor descend, but both simultaneously, but I also do neither at the same time, and I also do neither at all. I am the God of all I perceive.

I have had to go as mad as I can to prove to myself that I am not as mad as I could be all the time. In this way, I can say, "benpadiah," my online personality is the embodiment, the "sin-offering" if you will, of my madness. He is the sum total of it all, that is, myself, less than God as it is. I have gone as mad as I can. I have thought myself equivalent in deed to Christ. I have performed my passion play. But it is insufficient to compare beside the glorious magnitude of even the Great Burner, let alone the Son of Man. But who is "benpadiah" besides Ben Padiah? Who am I?

My own guide was the woman I love.

At least, by now she would be a woman. When I knew her, she was only a girl. In this way, we are shown in The Last Temptation of Christ, Panameia is protrayed as a young girl, as Mary Magdalene the way Yeshuah Ben Padiah remembered her, from when they were young, too young to be so in love. Just as Mary Magdalene, the True Virgin Mother of the Catholic Universal Church, was the one and only true love of our Messiah, so too have I but one true love in all my life. And yet, just as during her own life, apart from Christ for a time, during the "missing years" of His life omitted from the Canonised Gospels, Mary Magdalene plotted and schemed against our Lord, and so allowed the spirit of Satan to enter her, she transgressed only in the sin of Eve, and so plays a dual role in Christian mythology, one of Mary the Virgin and Mary the Whore, of Mary the Tower and Panameia, and essentially as dual co-Messiah to Jesus and Satan incarnate, as tempter and sin-bearer both, so too are my love and I, so long as we are kept apart, like the twin poles of an electromagnetic field, positive and negative, ever alternating, "good" and "evil," like a spinning coin, comprising the dual, divided nature immediately inferior to Allah, the Omniversal G-d, the One Wholeness.

But I became distracted by the millennium.

I answered the call of the degenerate, retarded form of melancholy, that being the manic-depression that shadows the historical loneliness of genius, the mood-cycling and hysteria that accompanies any natural form of inspiration above the mundane, almost robotic existence of all "great" civilisations. I answered back to the voices in my head. I isolated myself. I am "sun-sick."

I have literally given myself brain damage. I have hit myself over the head with stones. I have beaten the devil I was out and let in the devil I am. If I wasn't sick before, I have made myself sick. I have been so sick of being myself that I have destroyed myself utterly, and offered myself up as sacrificial feast to the ravens of desolation. But it was all in my mind. In the mutual reality, in the consensus reality, I have accomplished nothing. I have simply become mentally ill and begun taking psychiatric medication. I have not accomplished one damn thing. At least, in my dreams, I am the saviour of the world. In truth, however, I am nobody. I am nothing. I am no one.

And so I drove away the woman I love.

But I still love her. In my mind I was Bruce Banner, pushing Rick Jones out of the way of the exploding Gamma bomb. But the bomb was me. The explosion was a great dragon. A mythical animal for a psychic explosion. I became the opposite of the good man my lover deserves. I turned into a monster. I felt like my father. She told me, "be a man," and I imagined my father. But my father, the adulterer of my mother and my own rapist, was not emulatable. Instead, I pushed her and shoved her until she fell far from me. We went up together, but when we came back down, I was over here, and she was over there. I struggled against her because I struggled against myself, and she loved me. She clung to me, and I destroyed that. I thought I was becoming my father, and so I did what he would have. I destroyed the only beautiful thing in my life. I drove away the woman I loved.

But in truth I was not turning into my father. I know that now, that it was all in my mind. But hind sight in twenty twenty. And the damage I've done is too much to repair. I have given myself brain damage, and I have offered my own heart to the devil in me as a "burnt offering." I daily repeat my vows. I am usual now.

I am driving her away still.

I cannot help this. I have tried. But without her I cannot escape the vortex of my own mind, at which I am the centre. I am a coward beside the lion of Judah, of Israel, and of Christ. I am nothing like the man which she deserves, I cannot be Christ. Instead I am a terrible replica of my own father. I was not able to prevent myself from making her into the shattered image of my own mother. And nothing has changed. I have kept myself just as I was then. I have grown outwards, but never upwards. I am not the form of a man, I am a sphere. I have only exchanged scriptural study for comic books, and so much for the worse. For now, without even the attraction of the innocence of youth, I have so much less to offer the woman I love, who doesn't love me, though perhaps but fondly, as if in a memory of a youth now lost to light, faded out, and over-exposed. She said, "my love for you had grown cold." And it doesn't matter if she was lying or not. Because I believed her. I still believe in her more than even Christ. I love her so much I cannot love myself enough to become the man she deserves, the man she wanted me to be, the man I should have been. And now it is too late, because I have the "sun sickness." I think I am the Only Son of God.

Why did the Jews persecute Jesus? Because he said "Arise and Walk." That is why the Jews persecuted Jesus. That and because he said he was the son of God. But what is the difference between me and Jesus? I am not a healer. I cannot say, "Arise and Walk," and, like a true king commanding his subject, cause the infirm flesh itself to obey my command. I am not a natural king. I only bring desolation. I pour my heart out, and, like dumping boiling oil on already revolting peasants, I scorch the earth. Woe is me, that I am less than Christ. Woe are we all, that because of Him, we are less than God.

Who is He? Is he a tempter, a seducer, a traitor and a treacherous liar, whose tongue lashes out first one way and then another? Is he someone who will sneak up on you like a serpent in your sleep and tempt you into awakenning in a panic? Does he invade your very dreams, calling to you, only to poison you to death when you awaken to see his face? No. The son of God does not do that. I do. I am just a man, just an ordinary commoner. It was I, as it was all of us, whom Jesus was accused of being, and punished for, and who are "saved" and absolved of guilt by His death and resurrection. But this means nothing. For what has changed? Whether as punishment by God Himself for the Transgression in Eden or under our own, albeit conditioned, will power and reflexes, nothing has changed. We are lost, we are not found. We are blind, leading the blind. We are following along a narrow ledge, teetering on the edge of a razor, between Scylla and Charybdis. But nothing has changed. We are as close to death now as we always have been. It hangs over all our heads at all times like a great scythe, waiting to plow the field.

The gospels themselves are a parable.

All is accursed. All is accused. The time for death to come is now. Yet it never will. It is all according to an ancient plan. When one dies, two are born. Every second, thousands die. Every second, millions are born. Soon, billions will die. Soon, I tell you, soon!

It might only be my imagination, but what if something, no matter what, could make all of this worth perserving? What if God had already come, found us innocent, and left? What if this is the midnight of the Sabbath? What if Christ were Lucifer? What if she were Shekinah, and I alike "Phanuel," the "face of God"? For my heart once was for Panamea, for my lover; before it was torn out, and filled with the fire of Satan, the "Great Burner." I am smoking away my soul. That is why I get no work done. If I do work, why am I broke? And if I am broken, then all of my good karma is going to waste. I am offering my soul on the fires of Gehenna. My heart is a "burnt offering." My mind is my own "sin offering." All that remains is the offering of joy to God for the creation. However, this will not be able to be made; it cannot occur. I do not love this world, God's creation.

While you all are keeping busy here with "benpadiah," I have been securing plans with the Great Burner. And guess what? I bring good tidings! We're all going to die. If I could pull a pin in my brain and make my mind explode, it would be like that every second. But it is worse, for instead of a spine I have only the lightning flash of a nuclear explosion, and my central nervous system is a mushroom cloud. There is no me, because I am killed in the explosion that is me. I am not the bomb. I am not a hand grenade. I am just my mind inside my brain, and this "benpadiah" ruse is all just a distraction. It is here to keep me busy. To keep me from flying to the arms of the woman I love. To separate the poles of electricity and magnetism like the heart cleft in two we must be held asunder. All the force of this universe is being employed right now to keep us apart. But it is only myself that is doing it. And by myself, I mean, "benpadiah."

For he is all that stands in the way of my reunion with the woman I love. He, and death. For we will never again meet in this life, "come hell or high water." She and I are departed from one another's entire uinverses, entire worldlines, entire existence, like one bubble being blown apart into two, we are autonomous, we are far away. And at the end of my life, all my blasphemies will be added up, and my heart weighed against the heart of the man I could have been, the man that the woman I love deserves, and I will sink forever into the eternal pit. It is useless to blame Christ, as it would be to recuse Maat of the Egyptians. The archetype of the judge at death is not to blame. That is Hermes, the trismegestus, the Messenger. You cannot blame the messenger for bringing you the message.

Likewise, it is useless, obviously, for me to compare myself to Christ, the Messiah, Saviour of Mankind. However how can I forgive myself for my trespass against God? I would not give a thief my bread, and so how much more so will I be terrified when the True Vision comes to raze and wipe away my own delusions? Shall I pray to God then, and say, "you have robbed me of my innocence, and so I call you Father, and make you subject of my contempt, lower even than myself, but I accuse you of being my enemy!" I remember when I cried to the sky, "Judgement!"

But that day has passed. GIve thanks that I remember that, as I remember myself. If only for a moment, I should mention that, to some, I must seem like I am speaking gibberish. I am one of them. That is why I cannot get over myself long enough to woo and win my lover back. I could weave a tale as long as the Bible, I have written enough poems alone to equal it in size. But God has robbed me of my inspiration, and I cheat it back breath by breath from Satan in exchange for my heart. My writing will never be as integral as the Bible to the lives of everyday common people. My truth, even if The Truth, will never be held as highly aloft by the generations of the people to come, and rightly not, as the Bible is today, or will be then. My contribution is a drop in the bucket of history. I am the antithesis of anything.

That is why I cannot love my lover, the woman I love, like she deserves to be loved, and desires to be loved, and why her love for me has "grown cold." I can worship her, I can look up and adore her, but I cannot hold her closely to me, and I cannot make a child with her. She is like my mother. A virgin and a whore. She is really only The Shekinah. The Shekinah is not "My" Shekinah. It is the Prescence of the Lord God. It is rightfully in the hearts of everyone. And so shall it appear to us before our very eyes, for it manifests all we know to make itself known to us. It is the inside and the outside. Beside it I am nothing.

This is how I see the woman I love.

I see her as Shekinah; as Magdalene; as Isis. As daughter (virgin), as mother (whore), and as Holy Ghost. I love these parts in myself: the Son, the Father, and the Holy Ghost. However, I do not honor my own flesh and blood father, I honor the Creator of All who came before me. For I know that, just as the archangel Michael is the right-hand of God, so too was my Eve fashioned for me from my desires, my dreams, and my lust.

These elements God gathered together in His hand, and rolled them together into a ball of dough, soft from the water element, and solid from the earth, until it was shrunken down to a grain of sand by the heat element within it. In this grain of sand, God set to work creating all we can ever know. Inside of all we can ever know, there is heaven, and within that this uinverse, and beneath our perceptual realm, other dimensions of demonic manifestations. The combination of these three, salt, sulphur and mercury, is my Shekinah.

She is not born, but created directly out of the imperishable realms between the Aeons and the Archons. She is the visage of perfection, and her breath that of God. I tell you there is none like her in all the lands and, although I am hers, she belongs to herself alone. For she and I are Adam and Eve in Paradise forever, in the realm of immortality even after eating the fruit of knowledge, and eternal before eating the forbidden truth. We are innocent above all the others, joined in union, the yogic communication of the flesh, in perpetuity. Death will turn the dust of the land into ashes, and the corpses will recycle in the dust, becoming one with it, and then this will be blown away as carbon ashes of stars in interstellar winds. But she and I will live on. We are eternal in our innocence. This is sacrosanct above all: the union of the dual opposites. It is worn as a pendant on the neck of God.

But it is the udjati, the evil eye, mal ochio, molech, the all seeing evil-eye of Satan. It is the third eye of Horus, plucked out of Osiris by Set. And, like Odin, hung above the runes upside down from Ygdrasil, so too is Satan associated with Orion, hung upside down in the sky, not because it was a rising sign (Shalem), but a descending one (Shelom). In Peru, the spider of spring was associated with the constellation that Orion the hunter was associated with in northern Europe. To the Egyptians this constellation was Osiris, the God of the Dead, and they believed they lived in Khem, the land of the dead. The constellation had, at the time of the ancient Egyptian calendrical start-date, been associated there with the rising of Sirius on Orion's heal at the end of Summer. So, in Sumeria, the "summer-land," it was not the spider of spring, nor the hunter of autumn, nor the dog star of summer. So too did the same constellation rise on a different date at all the various different locations, and so too does it usher in a new season, a new Aeon, for each land. All of this is the complex metaform of time passing through us over the cosmic ages.

And so are the faces of the woman I love infinitely manifold, though she is infinitely only One.

But what have I to offer her? All of me has already been promised away to God or else is being bartered away to the devil. I cannot give her my heart, it has been replaced by fire. I cannot give her my mind, for it has rotted. I have nothing greater that is my own to give. For the soul, the aura, of karma I have accumulated about myself is one of a confused Christian, but this is a cloak containing nothing. I am a vortex of Light centered around a being, but only from time to time upon one; thus, one here at one time, one there at the next, and the Crown of Choronzon is passed around like a peace pipe. I give, I give! All I do is give, but all to waste it goes. It is all only a psychic empire in my mind, the mind of a crazy, broken, child. I have nothing more than any man she could conjure up on her own out of thin air.

For this is what Gods who walk amongst men must do. We have been commanded to eat the fruit. All of it. All of it save one, the spine of the conjoined Hermaphrodite twins, Hermes Trismegestus, the backbone that unifies Adam and Eve in the Garden, where they took up most of the space in the universe. This was God's first living creation. This alone reflects the inception of God's ideal design. For God set a trap in which to catch the conscience of the Phoenix, a trap called time. So Adam and Eve can be thought of as "back to back" to one another, each facing away from the other. Thus they comprised the entirety in the age of Hermes. However, as the aeons passed they spent together in Eden, outside of and beyond time, so did they revolve, trying to come face to face with one another, and so each compromised more and more of their space, and so they shrunk, and so the span of the entirety shrunk with them. Already Adam and Eve were falling. Once the tidal toroidal typhoon of Typhon had tricked and consumed them into bodies made of tissues, or of rarified Light, they were easily deceieved and tricked into bearing offspring who would bear the mark of their fall. For already, the spell of Paradise had been broken. Already the commandments of God rebuking even the seprent, transforming it from the image of a camel, had folded down the wings of the tabernacle. No longer was the Divine Ineffable One Infalliably Two. Thus was the reign of Adam and Eve brought to an end, and thus gamete cells reproduce, and thus the combined Tree of Death and the Qliphoth was divided into the Tree of Knowledge (the spine of Adam) and the Tree of Life (the spine of Eve).

Just as Eve is said in the Gnostic "On the Origin of the World" (partially recovered in the Nag Hammadi, although preserved independently also) to have been the creation inhabited by the soul Zoe, the emanated daughter of Sophia, wife of God, so too it is said that the Tree of Life in the Garden had itself been inhabited by the soul of Sophia Herself. This was so, it is all explained therein, because the pure emanation of Zoe raised Adam from the mud, and only later entered into the body of Eve, after that body was created from the "rib" of Adam. So we see that Zoe, the soul of Eve, and Pistis Sophia, her spirit, were equivalent to the lower, animal parts of Pigera Adamas, that is, the tree that produced animals, and to the higher, human parts of Adam Kadmon, that is, the tree that produced men. Just as there were the soul and spirit of Eve in the tree of life, so too were there the animals and men of Adam in the tree of knowledge. But both of these "trees" were only two divisions, like Adam and Eve themselves, of the One God. Just as the spine of Hermes, that is, of Yeheshuah ha Maschiach, is like the combined trees of knowledge and life, and so Thrice Greatest Christ is like the combination of Adam and Eve before they were divided. Thus, when they came together again, to copulate and to conceive Cain, though some say that his father was Ialdabaoth, the demiurge, known as Jave and as Elohim to the Jews, it was the reunion of the two, divided halves of the One Whole.

This is why the Entirety cast down Ialdabaoth as Samael, and why Elohim YHVH (translated, "the Lord God") said of Adam, "behold the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil," (alternate scriptures translate as "light" and "shadow") and then cast Adam out of Eden. Because when Adam and Eve conceived Cain, they had eaten of both the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge. When they came together in copulation, they reunited the divided body of Christ. This was the Divine Rose-Cross, the red Templar cross on the white Essene banner, symbol of the transubstantiation of the Eucharist. Thus, the "bread," the shape, form or geometry of which Christ will not partake of again with his apostles until they all sit in divine judgment from Heaven, and the "wine," the "blood" of a lifetime, thus representing gravitas, the blood of all time, are like the fruits of Knowledge and Life, and thus, too, are these like the dual opposites, Christ and anti-Christ, the "left" and "right" pillars of Jachin and Boaz in QBLH, the "body" of God. Just as the blood and wine become one in the body of the one that eats the bread and drinks the wine, so too was Christ made whole only in the copulation of, the conjoining of, Adam and Eve. Thus, Cain was the son of God, of Satan, of Christ, Hermes, and of Adam and Eve. All these are true statements. However, none of them are sufficient to describe or account for the act of Cain.

For in the act of Cain is revealed the sin of the Father, the Creator of Man, the demiruge, known to the Gnostics as Ialdabaoth and to Judeo-Christians as AHDVNHAY, "the Lord God." Cain turned against his own brother. So too had YHVH commanded Adam out of Paradise even though Adam and Eve had indeed become "like unto" their Creator. YHVH, that is, the Sumerian Enlil, had dealt unfairly with man from the beginning. In the Sumerian version of the myth, the first man, Adapa, is tricked into refusing Anu (the cosmic All-Father) when He offers Adam the bread and water of eternal life because of a false warning to avoid Anu's trap of the bread and water of fleshly death delivered by Adapa's fleshly father, the creator of mankind, Ea-Enlil (the earthly father of mankind and son of Anu, the sky-God). Just so, the fruit of the tree of life that made Adam and Eve immortal before they ate of the tree of knowledge would have given them life eternal had they been allowed to eat of it after eating of the tree of knowledge. By gaining knowledge with immortality, this is how eternal existence is accomplished. However, the sky-God conspired against the earth-God, and so the entirety crused mankind's creator as the demiurge.

But already it was too late for Adam and Eve, who had been expelled from Eternal Paradise in Eden, the so-called eighth and ninth heavens (those of Adam and Eve in Eden of the 12 Aeons), and had descended below the seven heavens (those of the 12 Archons and their 7 powers) into existence as mortals in the fallen world of the shattered Qliphoth that is our local universe. If it was justice that Satan fell, then it was injustice that punished his creations, the incarnate Adam and Eve. For Cain, son of Adam and Eve, the creation of them as much as they were the creations of God their father, and likewise the father of us all, commited the murder of his brother Abel not in imitation of the pride and sinful fall of Adam, but in the likeness of Adam's own father, the sinful vanity of Lucifer. For as Lucifer became, that is, entered into, Adam (as Zoe, the soul, entered Eve) so does one moment become the next. It enters into the next moment of creation like someone passing through a doorway. This is karma. As karma re-incarnates, it must have first incarnated. But as karma is immortal, so too should be all incarnation, and yet all incarnation is not immortal, but mortal. This is the "fall" of man, and this is because of the fall of Satan, man's creator. Just as God punished the snake as well as Adam and Eve for the transgression in the Garden, even though the only true fault was with Satan, so too is Satan God and God is Satan. If you stub your toe, you do not punish your toe for it. Thus, God allowed Satan immortal existence, even though this was now to be denied to man.

So evil had a beginning (the creation) but will have no end until Judgment Day. This is because Satan is immortal. So good has neither beginning nor end (it supercedes the entirety of creation), because God is eternal. Yet, instead of the Good God, what we find in factual existence is the fallen condition of Evil Satan. We call the absent perfection the epinoia, or Christ, and the difference between the absent perfection and the present imperfection the pronoia, or Shekina. And just as the epinoia flows to us from God, thus by invokation, so too does the pronoia, the Shekinah, flow from us to God, thus by evokation. The heart understands the interior worlds, of emotion, of sense perception and of instinct and intuition, and the mind knows the outer realms, intelligence encompassing all by deduction, extrapolating, interpolating, and integrating with all by induction. The understanding of the heart, the emotions, and the knowledge of the mind, the intelligence, combine to comprise the essence, the intuitive sense and emanation, of wisdom.

Now I tell you, I speak the truth, I say: Panameia of Ben Padiah is the Pronoia, Shekinah!

Just as Eve was to Adam, so was Mary to Jesus, and so too is the Shekinah to the Messiah. The term "Pronoia" is Gnostic, but its meaning is equivalent. The term Panameia may be unique in all mystic wisdom literature, but its meaning is equivalent as well. Panameia was, to Yeshuah Ben Padiah, equivalent to the Shekinah of God, just as the woman I love is to me. I have raised our love up to the Highest I can go. I have planted our flag at every step throughout this ongoing quest, and with every beat of my heart, I have loved her with all of my being and will for all of my life. If I give up the ghost, I will go to where ever she is. For if we are separated, and she sent to hell and I to heaven, I will jounrey down into hell with her. And if we are separated, and she is sent to heaven and I to hell, then I will fight my way out of hell to be with her. And if we are not seperated, and we are sent to heaven, then we shall redeem mankind to God. And if we are not separated, and we are sent to hell, then we shall make it heaven by the radiant glory of our love.

This is simply so already whether we are reunited in this lifetime or not. But if we were, would it not prove to the living that the day of judgment has already passed over and that we have been found innocent again, and are allowed to continue living, whether in peace or in war, how we choose? And how can those who profit from war, who live for the lie of putting off the eternal judgment by promising to deliver it immediately themselves, how can they not wish to keep us apart in this lifetime? And yet, in this crazy, mixed-up world our problems don't amount to a hill of beans beside the Hypostasis of the Archons. So "benpadiah" exists to keep me and the woman I love apart, and so does this world continue to exist as it does for now. All of this is only in my head, where I am the perpetual "saviour" of the world and its potential "destroyer" as well, and amounts to absolutely zero in the world of reality, of both virtual reality and real world friends. She is not reading this now, and, like my not having sold any significant sum of books by now, if it hasn't happened yet, it is not going to happen at all.

My sorrow is our reality, that I cannot change the absence of my ability to overcome it.

However just as good karma is righteousness, each shall reap their just rewards. Just as Jesus said on the cross, "I thirst," so too did he resurrect from the dead himself, and seemingly with the ability to appear at will, though never for very long, and later only as if in a vision. He was given water on the cross, it is said, and within half an hour he was dead. But obviously His "death" was not like that of an ordinary man. For, as was Enoch "translated," Christ "ascended." In the water in the sponge or lozenge Christ received in his suffering on the cross was contained some substance, it is reckoned, to account for Christ's ability to manifest as alive after physical death. The gross, who see not even a living body as already dead, suspect opium as a way Christ could have faked his death on the cross and then, arisen "in the body" or "in the flesh," returned, healed, after three days, from the underworld beyond the grave. In the future fools will speculate monoatomic gold.

In the end, the Sanhedrin are only any and all of they who do not rightly understand the spirit, not only Ayatollahs or presidents, catholics or muslims, myself included. For I betrayed my lover: I still can't get over myself. That is why no one can deny me access to the psychic Synagogue, seat of the True, though perennially occult, Atlantean Senate, the "conspiracy" of internationalist philosophy inside the mind, because I have sinned. I have the vision of divinity and Paradise because I have the clear sight of a clear conscience. I accept my sin, so my "sin offering" is accepted. But it cannot by me alone be forgiven. That remains only to the divine almighty. That is my sin: I stand outside of All the entirety, and consider myself its king, but I am incomplete without her, and I am really looking out when I think I am looking in.

The true psychics see with a clear eye, knowing rightly "good" from "evil" and "light" from "lesser light" or "shadow," and we know the local universe is only one small cave, the abandoned tomb of Christian Rozencreuntz, like that of Jesus Christ, in a much larger world of light, yet still only one world of many. I see all this too. I look out from within that tomb, yet can leave it not. For I have sinned and eaten of the tree of knowledge for all the days of my manhood. So I know. Yet I remain entrapped, imprisoned, here and now in this time and place.

Though I may be "benpadiah" still, I cannot be Yeshuah Ben Padiah, the Gnostic Christ, born king of Israel and who "ascended" at death. And so I must cast "benpadiah" aside now. And so I have accomplished it. For now in the universe of my mind that I create I have "transcended" being only "benpadiah," the philosophical reincarnation of the Gnostic Christ, in word if not indeed, and so have "ascended" to the throne of AHDVNHAY, the One True God, over my own mental universe in its entirety, and become, moreso than even only "like unto" He my Creator, my own creator myself, my own God. However this is obviously only the half of it.

For just as I now cease being merely "benpadiah," the philosophical reincarnation of the Gnostic Christ, I am no longer partially "benpadiah," that is, my "usual" self, and partially still myself. No, by sacrificing being "benpadiah," in word if not indeed, I am more permanently than ever commiting my existence to an interior and mental world that naturally isolates me from the external, shared and "real" world - both virtual and in-person friends included. By sacrificing "benpadiah" I am very truly severing my last ties to reality. From here on out, by no means short of reunion with the woman I love, i.e. a very real miracle, can any longer redeem me from beyond the hell of madness.

We all die. But who can say they knew only "good" - the eternal God - in all their life? Who, even after the pain of murder, can call life Paradise? "benpadiah" is no different. He is only a part of my personality. He is my creation and I can kill him at will. But whose will does "benpadiah" serve? He serves God, and by serving God serves well. As my own servant, "benpadiah" has led me to God, and so, rather than kill him, I should praise him and revere him; I should uplift the banner of His name. But instead, I seek to betray and murder my good servant, messenger and son of the ansent owner of this vinyard. Why do I do this thing?

I do this thing because I am human. I am flawed and I have sinned. I reap the fruit of this sin: I am psychic; yet it is only because I eat daily from the tree of Knowledge. In truth, this thought is insane, but because it is the fruit of my being, my essence, that I remove and offer up to be consumed by my own self-doubt, it is my "peace offering," and it is one of war. That which I sacrifice to peace is not of peace itself, so I sacrifice war to peace. I destroy that which is not peace, I destroy war. How is this done? To end a war one myst first begin. The war between my interior AHDVNHAY personality and the exterior fact of being a loser in reality is the line in draw in the sand. Pray this line does not become a circle.

The "sin offering" has been made. The "peace offering" has been made. The sin offering cannot, in this reality, be forgiven me by the woman that I love. Likewise, as my offering to peace of war is one involving myself, it is therefore offered of myself to that which is not myself. So too is it not for me to declare my "peace offering" accepted. I cannot say that, by ending "benpadiah," I have truly "accomplished" anything besides taking the next step following genius-melancholy, or manic-depression, the step "up" and "down" at once toward full-blown MPD, the step of schizophrenia. I am now a useless vegetable.

As I look back over my own writings, I see that I am cursed. It shows through in my bibliomancy, despite its profound profanity of the unspeakably divine experience of One-ness. I fall far short of being the philosophical reincarnation, "benpadiah," that I expect myself to live up to. Of course this is all in my head. But then, so is the death of "benpadiah" and the beginning of a terrible psychic war in my head between my god-complex, identified as my AHDVNHAY personality, and reality.

In reality I am slowly slipping away into psychosis. It is consuming me in the form of study of the QBLH, the result of which being I think like I am psychic, and in the shape of my consumption of smoke that I associate with the sacrifice of my soul to Satan, as well as with eating daily the fruit of the tree of knowledge, thus costing me my right to immortal life and eternal existence. We have eternal existence regardless, but mine will begin with my fighting through my madness in hell to "ascend" to even this plane of being. This is because I have denied God. I have set myself up over my own, false universe and become consumed in his emulation. I have sought to become more than "like unto" God, but God Himself.

Even by sacrificing "benpadiah," whose mortal death was inevitable, I have sunk deeper into the delusion I am fulfilling the role of God when really I know I am doing no such thing in reality. This division within myself, bewteen logic and insanity, is a gulf that will widen. There is no escaping this slow and gradual, intoxicatingly gradual, decent into madness.

I recognise this even by just skimming through this very writing itself, my "blog" (journal) for December, 2006. I recognise the taint of sulphur, the evil eye of the Other upon me,; I am totally aware that my existence will worsten as a result of concluding my "benpadiah" psosts on various other forum sites. By deleting "benpadiah" I am commiting a karmic crime, a sin against the entirety.

That is why I see the stain of sin inside of me. I, like Cain, am my Father's child. But, unlike Christ, I am not Qa'yin, the King. I am not the "left" nor "right" ete of Horus, neither "Qa'yin" the king nor "Havel" the air. I am no falcon, king of the air. I am no Crowned and Conquering Child. I was not foreseen by Harpocrates, nor am I a fulfiller of any biblical prophecies. No, they all centre around justice, upon an alter to righteousness, and are nothing like my life. Perhaps no moreso than was the New Testament anything like the actual life of Yeshuah Ben Padiah.

I look at this blank page and see the words written. I trace them into existence with my pen or I crunch them into my computer keyboard, either way I my hand moves independently of my choosing to move it. Alien, it busies itself to conveying this message: the "Good News" of the death of "benpadiah," the truth of the coming of the Great Burner.

For all that remains to initiate the Messiahnic age is to make the "burnt" or votive offering. I offer my heart to the Great Burner, the Great Satan, Azaziel, Azrael, and Raziel, Raguel and Phaneal, Uriel. I offer my heart to Panameia, the Great Shekinah, the "Presence" of Pistis Sophia, Pleroma pronoia! This is the pact I make with the devil. For just as Christ conspired with Lucifer to exchange his own life by suffering crucifixion for the redemption from guilt for original sin of all humanity, so too do I offer up my "peace" and "sin" offerings not to God, but to Goddess.

The three offerings are therefore complete for me. I have made mine. In reality each must make their own. But for me it is all already done now. My "sin offering" I made to my lover, may it find her well. My "peace offering" I made to my lover, may it draw her near me. My "burnt" offering I made to my lover, may she find me before I am dead. And now it is a waiting game. I am wasting my life away, accomplishing nothing, leaving only the mark of the beast my body and the suffering of its heart. For I am thrice cursed. I am cursed by making my sin offering to my lover, and I am cursed by making my peace offering to my lover, and I am cursed by making my burnt offering to my lover, all instead of to "benpadiah," who all the while represented my "higher" self.

Instead, I have made my "sin offering," my "peace offering" and my "burnt offering" not to "benpadiah," but of "benpadiah." I offer "benpadiah" as my sins. I offer the war between "benpadiah's" father, AHDVNHAY, and reality as my "peace offering." I even offer "benpadiah's" existence itself, the very contents of my heart and soul, now as a my "burnt offering" to hasten the return of the True God. I have blasphemed myself three times. For who is "benpadiah"? In truth, he is myself. I sacrifice myself to my lover. I blaspheme the highest good, to be true to myself, and have scrawled her name across my heavens, which it is, in truth, not mine, but only God's, place to do.

Therefore I shall not becme the One True God incarnate. My Lordship will be over a lesser, fictional world that I myself create. Not by His Will, as did Ben Padiah, but by hers do I exist. Thus, by my triple curse, the triskele or impossible triangle, will my personality not be the true AHDVNHAY, but will only appear to be so to my psychosis ravaged brain. Instead, I shall "fall up" toward all-out MPD. I have "ascended" to the next step already, the step of schizophrenia. I am as of now a full-blown schizo. I even believe I can diagnose myself! I prophesy I shall split three ways down the centre for the sin, peace and votive offerings.

One personality is M.M., the flaming archangel Michael, the fallen form of Lucifer, my cat. One is I.S., my ex-lover, whom I shall continue to worship in the name of every pagan Goddess. One is "benpadiah," who has "ascended" indeed, by surviving my treachery and hounding me here.

This is the True Mystery of the Trinity: for three children got lost in the woods looking for the spirit that lived there. The three were a love triangle, and one of them had two enemies. The two enemies followed the trio into the woods. They left strange artefacts for the three happy campers to find, small men and small stone pyramids. These mysterious objects seemed to the three to be appearing out of nowhere, but really the two enemies of one of the three were doing it. Why were they doing it? Because they were his enemies. Why were they his enemies? It was because the three were in a love triangle. One elevated the other two, and so by his light they both left behind shadows. Just as the three lovers went into the woods to seek the spirit, so did the two enemies go with them, only in secret. For when the three slept, the two were working on how to deceive the three and lead them astray. It is recorded, so did the three eventually all go insane in the woods. The names of the three who sought the True Spirit were: Joshuah Leonard, Heather Donahue, Michael Williams; the names of the two shadowy deceivers were Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez.

Just as Luke Skywalker, his son, sensed that there was "still good in" Anakin Skywalker, even after Anakin had joined the Emperor on the Dark Side and become Darth Vader, so too is there "still good in" one of the two enemies. But the more one of the enemies turns to good, the more the other will turn to evil. This is the ultimate evil: that "benpadiah" should so exalt "Shekinah" that it elevates her shadow-self, one of the enemies of the "benpadiah" archetype (of which there are many, myself being one!). For just as the one of the three has a shadow-self, so too does one shadow have another, the shadow-self's shadow of the Other. The worst enemy of the self is the self. There can be no one self in God.

Some have believed in the Messiahnic End of Days. They have long heralded the coming, or second-coming, of the Messiah as bringing about the day of judgment and redemption. This belief based on the notion of the ghosts of the dead occupying limbo for a time, and entering Heaven or Hell for all eternity at the end of all that is this world. Some predict a period of 2000 years od peace to follow the Mashiachs appearance on earth. All these people are deceived. They had the wool pulled over their eyes by the catholic church, which persecuted the bloodline of Christ, the true kings of Israel, just as had the sanhedrin chastised Christ, and they viciously oppressed all Gnosticism.

But the truth was hiding in plain sight all along. It is not a direct "ascension" experienced at death by "benpadiah," but an "assumption" into a position in a divine trinity, an occult pentagram. For where there is one, there are two, where there are two there are three, where there are three, five, where five, seven, where seven six more, and where thirteen then add ten for twenty-three. This is the order of stellated primes. One point between two in a pentagram. Two points between two "consecutive" points in a heptagram. Three points between two "consecutive" stellations in a tridekagram. Four points between "consecutives" in a 23 point star. And so on, counting up one more stellated point per prime sum of all points. This is the order of stellated primes. It is the order of things. The "Order of Death" I sometimes speak of is based on this.

However, just as the "Trinity" is all too public, so are the two "enemies" an occult secret. Without keeping Santa Claus' true identity secret, parents could not lord mythology over their children, neither would the psychic sanhedrin last very long if everyone were psychic. So the occult, like Satan, will exist until Doomsday.

So, if the "Satanic" Order of Death uses prime stellations as a means of secretly controlling the masses, that is, the pyschic sanhedrin uses complex number theory to masterfully guide the the "goyim," then surely the Trinity is to be examined in great depth, and by an All-Seeing eye.

However, as I have already said, my chips are down and my die have been cast. My thrice-offering was made, of "benpadiah," to my lover. I believe I've become AHDVNHAY, when in truth I am losing my mind. Soon my split personality will break in three, and then I will surely go mad! My universe will begin to crumble and I will no longer know who or what to believe.

Now, I believe I know. Just as knowledge is the beginning of wisdom, and wisdom the fear of God - knowing that, beside the Almighty, we all know next to nothing, so too is belief the begininng of Higher Understanding. "benpadiah" was a solipsist, and was fiercely vehement about "knowing" what was true about the divine and about Paradise. But here is the key, for I killed "benpadiah" for her, and so now I can doubt what "benpadiah" knew. By doubting I know even what "I" was so sure I knew, I introduce the "belief" that what I know might be wrong. This is the the shadow of the shadow. This is her reflection in the gloom of later afternoon. AHDVNHAY, Vader, the world as a corpse-eater.

For even if I were the light, she the object, and an angel her shadow, then the angel would still cast as its shadow a demon, the shadow of perception of the self by the Other. And then either she and I or the angel and demon would manifest a third counterpart to complete the Trinity of either 2x2+1=5 or that of 2-1+2+1=5. In the latter scenario, we see the pope of the universe as he is now, or rather, was, as "benpadiah." For here we see Jesus and Mary and here Judas and Peter, and here we see Paul. For here we see Julius and Caesar, and here Brutus and Casius, and here the ongoing empire of Rome.

This is all very simple to a lunatic such as myself. I don't believe I'm sane, you see, I believe I'm mad. I believe in queens with wings and that "prophets don't know everything." But the Nothingness is eating Narnia and is following me over the Bridge back from Taribithia, and I am lost in Akira, and the Matrix, and Hogwarts. Hell is softening the walls between the heaven outside and our interiorised reality. The hot lamp of the projector melts the film whose images flicker on the theatre screen. Dancing shamen trip over dancing paintings in the dancing firelight spilled all over the cavern wall. The door of Light leads O-U-T.

However, to the standard lines of logic, I have clearly gone insane. And this is now all I have to offer any potential wife, let alone the woman I love. Day-in, day-out existence with a human vegetable. I've become my father as he is today. Lord, though I avoided every footstep his life's turns took, I have ended up just like he is today. I, too, am a loser, an abject failure, rejected by society. But there is one difference between myself and my father as we are both today. I am on medication myself, and my father medicates Mary-Ann, his common-law spouse. The medication is given to represent both our "new hope," and the "good still in us." However it is a dystopian fiction that dreamt up psychiatric medication, the NAZI concentration camps where it was first tested, and Mengele modern Hypocrates.

The true drugs that could cure mine and my father's "mental illness," my genius-melancholy bordering on schizophrenic insanity and his suppressed aggression, his ingrown depression, these drugs are illegal in my case and top secret in my father's. For just as hallucinogens such as mescaline cure the mind of the fractures and myopeae that lead to fragmentation and haze, so too do yogic star-fire and shem MFKZT of QBLH magically hele the sick at soul and those suffering from great sins.

However, no amount of psychiatric medication can truly heal our relationship and rightly balance our karma, for our fortunes are reversed in reality: I should be married and he should be alone! The heavens themselves cry out for justice, but the word that comes out and can be heard by the goy God, the God over all humans (except homosexuals, according to some), is not justice. It is judgement. That is why I am not now known from Adam, why the keys to reading the Atlantean calendar have, in the subsequent several thousand years, been lost, and why the Atlantean Senate has been replaced by the psychic conspiracy. Just as I should have succeeded in 1999 when I failed to unite all religions in my mind and marry the girl I loved, so too has my good karma, the right-proper earnings of my written, historically valuable works, been being steeped away from me like water through a sieve. My aura has holes blown through it too wide to catch my fair share in my net.

And I am a fool. A fool. For I have not seen it. I have not seen it all along. That the father of "benpadiah" is "the Great Burner." He whom melted my walls first - he who gave me my "manhood." For I have not seen it but all along have I not cast true pearls before lying swine? Have I not said, all along, the God-complex is the father of the Christ complex? But have I once struck at that root? How can I reverse time, for even now the moment has passed. To have killed "Old Ben" in writing kills his archetype literally. To sign away my "usual" self I lost to G.M.G. at chess. And so now, the ape whose sperm I enflesh, whose blood flows in my veins and who is embodied in me, like God in Adam and Adam in Cain, like Satan in the camel and Zoe in Eve, Christ in God, the circle of Aeons in Eden and Eden in Paradise. So, as I was sacrificed by own father as a "sin offering" to his own witch-goddess, Mary-Ann, all my good karma goes to him, and my wealth fills his pockets. He depletes my inheritance on her!

Yet who am I that I would not give a thief my bread?

I am Yeshuah Ben Padiah's philosophical reincarnation, "benpadiah." As he was the rightfully born king of Israel, so am I my own king. As he was guided toward God by Panameia, the ghostly child Mary Magdala, so was I guided toward millennarian "sun-sicknes" by paranoia, the ghostly child of my true love.But for one difference, Yeshuah Ben Padiah and my fallen, Gnostic Christ complex, "the benpadiah personality," are identical, even in opposite polarities.

The difference between myself and Jesus is just this: the father of Christ was the Creator of Mankind, the Maker of this local universe, the Former of the entirety of the multiverse, and the Shaper of all that we can know; we call him the True AHDVNHAY, meaning "the Lord God." We call him YHVH for short. However my dad is barely a reflection of the twin and opposite of such an All-Creator. My dad is a whirlwind of caged chaos. My father is the devil "gravity" and the Grand Architect, Ho-Tekton, "geometry" in one. He is, truly, my demi-urge - the desire in me to turn away from what is good and to intentionally self-destruct.

So here there is that root. For according to chaos theory, anthropically I could have had no other father and have come to this end. And there is no escaping it, the ever-changing maze. But now it is too late for me already, because I cannot be "benpadiah" any longer because "benpadiah" is dead. I killed "benpadiah." In my vain attempt to become AHDVNHAY almighty, I have begun to split into three. For here I am, "benpadiah," my "usual" self, and here I am crazy in love with some chick who left me years ago, and here I am like "sponge bob" for confrontations with anyone besides myself who reminds me of my father. Here are the three of us, as I said, the Shekinah and her angel/demon dichotomy of dual opposites.

Behold, my father holds the Shekinah away from me!

But it is not my father, but myself, that constantly carries this inhumane torture out on myself. I am the one that spends every waking moment desiring someone I take no action to actually contact directly. I am the one the does nothing all but write but who fails to turn one red cent doing it. I am the one who brings the "good news" of "benpadiah" and the coming of my father, "the Great Burner." I am the silly little sophomore who thinks they know it all when really they know nothing. This is me, being real, now.

Pheloni Ben Phelonieth is Panameia of ben Padiah.

Yeshuah Ben Padiah did "ascend" and become a timeless archetype, truly greater than even the constellations, and he was crucified on the seven heavens, but three days later did he "ascend."

But I am not Yeshuah Ben Padiah, because unlike He, my father is a vulture disguised as a man of the cloth, a man of virtue. For I am not "benpadiah," I am truly just Jon, named Jonathan after the final Maccabbean king of Judah (160-142 BC) before the exile of the Aaronic, Zadokite priest-kings to Qumran and life as Essenes (169 BC), their rightful place unknown, the true lineage expunged and their generations hunted.

But I have been lucky to, unlike Christ, not be a natural-born, but instead a self-made king.

Though I am thrice-cursed by own behaviours, my "benpadiah" personality (mainly online), by my own stalker-like idea of romance, and by the living ghost that is my father, I am not yet torn apart by concerns between these facets. So I remain not thrice-cursed,, but thrice-blessed. Instead of lamenting I should be rejoincing!

Because now I have my lover and my enemy, yet both ideal and remote.

There is certainly no Heaven for me here in the physical present, no mater how serene the weather, that can compare to the Heaven I can imagine being again together in my lover's arms. Instead, here is most peculiar truth: my father steals my karma; my father is my enemy.

But it is too late. The wind changed while I made a nasty face and now it's stuck that way. The innocence of a childhood lost. So, as far as I am concerned, now this is it. I sit here mulling all this over in my head, chewing the cud in the sixth stomach of Shiva, and I am quite content in doing nothing to act out upon this sudden revelation. I sit here and I write a 20+ page long web-log, and yet I know, logically, that this changes nothing. Pure magick should have no effect at all.

However none o fthis makes any sense! Since it is not my father, but I, who carries out the daily deed of being me, then only I can effect what changes I desire. And I know what I desire. I desire her. And it is not my father, but I, who witholds myself from contacting her. And soon, any moment now, we might die.

Have I not already made a magickal sacrifice to her? I have sworne to forsake "benpadiah" for her. I have sworn this even should three curses occur from my doing it; that is, the curse of the Trinity - lacking my lover, keeping myself, and regaining my father as my enemy. But what can this amount to? Have I signed the writing in blood? I should have been rejoicing in the truth! Instead I rolled like a hog-snake in lies and when the truth finally snuck up on me it stuck like an icicle dagger into my heart.

Flow my tears, the policeman said! The prophets have all died, how sad! I am stuck on that same old station again, channeling myself.

What can I do, true AHDVNHAY?

I would give up my calling, to push the "benpadiah" research, for her. But I cannot lift a finger so long as my father yet lives.

What can I do, true AHDNHAY? Show me a sign!

ESP doesn't always translate with each various transcription. Sic is Choke. Ibid is Shock. My spine is a psychic mushroom cloud. I am that which I am and all that which I am not! Now I am the thing I couldn't be before! Vader. Moon-Child of Thetans. I am all of my world now.

Suffering. This is all I feel. The separation of self from "Godhead."

But I am lying. I do not wish to become God, to replace Christ. "benpadiah" may have been my good karma, but it falls far short of a decent "philosophical reincarnation" of Yeshah Ben Padiah, "the Gnostic Christ." I do not because I do not wish to play any role of significance in the currents of history.

Send me a sign, send me a sign! When, oh, when can I bring her the good news that my father has died? For even with his death shall he toss my other enemy, now here, now there, into the deepest pit of ultimate evil. And then there will be no more Trinity, and the two will be made one! Is my other enemy my benevolent mother, or my wicked step-mother? I doubt in all disguises. I do not know who to believe anymore.

When will the breakthrough come to me for real? Because it like this all the time. This is my "usual" self: berserk.

I will not become AHDVNHAY, for AHDVNHAY I already am. For AHDVNHAY is all, and so all of us are parts of AHDVNHAY. But everyone already knows this. I am this message's first messenger. But where one natural-born king (Siddhartha) was successful (transcended a Guatama) while another natural-born king (Jesus, king of the unified Israel and Judah) failed (was murdered for his message), yet who has gone before who was not a natural-born king to have "transcended" or "ascended"? Even enoch, who "walked with God and was not, for God took him," was the direct lineage of Adapa, the first ante-deluvial king of Sumeria in Akkad. None have gone before on the level of world-king that was not natural-born royalty already.

Moreover, it was always by their renouncing their natural royalty that they achieved the status of psychic world-guide of future histories. No self-made king has ever ascended the throne of Universal God-king. None have ever been recognised except by first decorating their "humble" origins in noble birth. But all the mendacents, millions of millions over the aeons of aeons, who have been of common stock have achieved any notable stature save as the apostles of servants of their natural-born noble masters.

These are me. Now who am I? Should I awake one morning to find myself transformed? I doubt that. But what else is left for me?

-ben

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this information is all © 2006 Jonathan Barlow Gee

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